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Drinking Tea
Contributed by
ediii
on
Sunday, 13th July 2008 @ 02:40:47 AM in AEST
Topic:
LostLove
|
They brought the tray, the clay
steaming and hissing the spitting steam agressive
tongues burned the shy glances we
fired out.
The whips have calmed when the steam sunk in warmth
spreading through the disjointed lips
moist with smiles simultaneously
sipped.
The liquid gone the taste
stuck to the steeply-sloped curve of
our clay
cooling now the flesh warmer
than before yet
extinguished by the absence of...
The debris faltered our smiles, bittered
our taste as we counted
Our change.
This is why the last tea couldn't be drunk.
Copyright ©
ediii
... [
2008-07-13 02:40:47]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Drinking Tea
(User Rating: 1 )
by ratty on
Sunday, 13th July 2008 @ 05:50:01 AM AEST
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a Message)
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| Nice one...... |
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Re: Drinking Tea
(User Rating: 1 )
by high_on_duct_tape on
Sunday, 13th July 2008 @ 03:27:04 PM AEST
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a Message)
|
I like this one. Very nice for a day in the life poem.
There were a couple of awkward lines. I might change "The whips have calmed when..." to "the whips calmed when..." or "the whips have calmed as...". The last line also might be a bit smoother. "Last of the tea" maybe. Also "couldn't be drunk" seems a bit awkward. Whatever you want to do with that.
Overall though, very nice. It certainly made me want a pot of tea... |
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Re: Drinking Tea
(User Rating: 1 )
by zenith66 on
Sunday, 13th July 2008 @ 09:20:47 PM AEST
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mmmmm....
WOW talk about unique writing,this is a stunning piece of writing, it really struck me as someing different, i love how you turned a simple pot of tea into an absract artistic episode, it was so humane and really appealled to me, some of your wording was sumptuous, " the debris faltered our smiles" that was amazing imo, just great writing i must say, i got a feeling of plath when reading this but its clearly unique, well done!!
keep it up!! |
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Re: Drinking Tea
(User Rating: 1 )
by wizard on
Friday, 18th July 2008 @ 11:08:07 PM AEST
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nicely done,
i like the abstract format ...
wiz |
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Re: Drinking Tea
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Monday, 21st July 2008 @ 12:27:01 AM AEST
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| The imagery in this is fantastic and it is slightly humorous if I'm reading it right. It may be obvious, but was there not enough money to cover the bill? Either way, your use of the english language shows masterful. |
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