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untitled
Contributed by
redsleeve
on
Sunday, 31st August 2008 @ 02:04:31 AM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
A supposed last kiss stolen from your lips
i feel my heart beat in my finger tips,
air is thick, i can't breathe again,
i wish things would go back again.
when your eyes lit up the night
i miss them, shaming candle's light.
So as i sit alone in the dark,
longing for a brown eyed spark
i pull these memories from my heart.
thinking back, stuck on the start,
you laughing next to me.
perfect eyes gaze on me.
we found comfort in each others arms.
talking until the break of dawn
i've never smiled so much
remember how we used to touch?
teasing, squeezing, heated breath
kissing, licking, biting necks.....
to be continued....
Copyright ©
redsleeve
... [
2008-08-31 02:04:31]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: untitled
(User Rating: 1 )
by ZiggyB on
Sunday, 31st August 2008 @ 02:45:50 AM AEST
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Pretty good start here.
Suggestion for title: Then There Was You
Only a suggestion, I'm sure you will come up with something appropriate.
Good luck |
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Re: untitled
(User Rating: 1 )
by polaris773 on
Sunday, 31st August 2008 @ 04:11:36 AM AEST
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| i think its good like that and just leave the to be continued part. It gives hope |
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Re: untitled
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Sunday, 31st August 2008 @ 06:20:20 AM AEST
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Firstly this is a good start (though in my opinion you shouldn't post a poem which is incomplete. It should be completed before posting and certainly should actually be titled). If this is a portion of an ongoing saga of poems than it certainly must have a title. Because nobody is going to read "untitled part 2" and certainly not "untitled part 8" by that time we are uninterested parts 5, 6, 7, and 8. I don't mean that to sound cruel but if you are writing for you don't post it. If you are writing to share give us something to hold on to. Untitled and incomplete makes this an excercise not a poem.
That being said the poem has excellent potential you have a true and present gift of poetic thought and idea. I especially loved the line about your heart beat being felt in your fingertips it is strikingly perceptive and brilliant in both the surface meaning and the many possible meanings of depth. You have an amazing talent. This is a wondeful piece. Yet one more minor bit of constructive criticism is this poem would have been so much better without the rhyming. The rhyme scheme is not inticing at all it actually lifts the brilliance away from this work. Finally even the rhyme scheme is cheapened by the forced rhymes. Some poems don't rhyme, some lose their rhyme scheme, this is okay. I just think that you have something to say here and your descriptions and perception are finely poetic in tuning, but the rhyming thing lessens this and completely cheapens your effort. This is just my opinion and I don't usually give criticism unless I think something good was lost because of someone trying to fit the uncaged emotion in silly "poetic rule" or if it's total dung. Your poem is not at all dung, it's great. You just need to understand that formatting, rhyming, and scheming can hurt a poetic effort.
Bravo keep writing!
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