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sad livin
Contributed by
outlawpoet
on
Friday, 17th October 2008 @ 03:09:29 PM in AEST
Topic:
Lifepoems
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I live a life of drinkin'
I live a life of pain
I live a life of sorrow
to a tune with a sad refrain
I wake up in the mornin'
With whisky on my breath
I look into the mirror
But all I see is death
My heart has grown weary
My heart has grown cold
I feel like a man of sixy
But short of being half as old
I wonder if ill ever change my ways
Wonder if ill ever get it right
The bottle has yet to let me down
So ill lean on my old friend again tonight
Copyright ©
outlawpoet
... [
2008-10-17 15:09:29]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: sad livin
(User Rating: 1 )
by Jenni_K on
Friday, 17th October 2008 @ 03:23:26 PM AEST
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First of all, you'll have to define 'real poetry' for me...
Welcome to YPDC...
I enjoyed your write..it made me smile.and that is good.....
Take care..
Jenni |
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Re: sad livin
(User Rating: 1 )
by rebelwcause on
Friday, 17th October 2008 @ 03:49:23 PM AEST
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| Wow man great write. your words made it easy for the too feel or understand your pain. truly one of the best amateur poems i have read recently keep it up hoss |
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Re: sad livin
(User Rating: 1 )
by ek_da_poet on
Friday, 17th October 2008 @ 11:14:18 PM AEST
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i liked your poem man for an amateur, sometimes writing simple is the best way, that way everyone can understand
and quit ur drinkin, its bad for u :D
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Re: sad livin
(User Rating: 1 )
by high_on_duct_tape on
Friday, 17th October 2008 @ 11:48:24 PM AEST
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Among the slew of over-Romanticized "greivances" as you rightfully call them, there are, in fact, some gems.
As for your poem, it could use some work. You seem to rely on the form as crutch, rather than using it as a backbone to your poem. You should never feel obligated to rhyme; if you don't have a set of smooth rhymes than feel free to write it free form.
Also, you get a bit blunt at time. I appreciate the desire to be straightforward, but I would recommend making the poem more of a story by adding detail and personality to create some sort of attachment to the speaker.
Write on,
Solomon |
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Re: sad livin
(User Rating: 1 )
by shelby on
Saturday, 18th October 2008 @ 12:34:48 AM AEST
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Welcome to ypdc,
I enjoyed this poem and will be reading more of your work.
Michelle |
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Re: sad livin
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Saturday, 18th October 2008 @ 11:57:02 AM AEST
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| This is a very good write though your authors note makes me question my writing? |
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Re: sad livin
(User Rating: 1 )
by alexischeyenne on
Saturday, 18th October 2008 @ 05:33:17 PM AEST
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I enjoyed this.
I relate to the topic. It's hard when you feel like everyone lets you down, so you turn to other things, that really are hurting you, too. |
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Re: sad livin
(User Rating: 1 )
by karoody on
Sunday, 19th October 2008 @ 02:33:48 AM AEST
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lol...quite an entrance you made...i enjoyed the poem for sure. good luck to you
smiles
kara |
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Re: sad livin
(User Rating: 1 )
by Ready2FLY on
Sunday, 19th October 2008 @ 01:40:12 PM AEST
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Thank you for commenting on my poem twilight. It is very appreciated. As for my advice to you, I really enjoy your poems but I recommend not rhyming. Find some way to connect your words with a deeper meaning as if you are telling a story instead of describing a chain of events. I really have no room to criticize because my poem needs help but i just think you need to write free form instead of rhyming. As for your reference to "real poetry" I do not believe personally that there is a definite definition of poetry. I believe that poetry is something written about how someone feels in their own words and thoughts. I believe that the personal meaning to the writer is poetry in itself. I hope that my words were somewhat beneficial. It's not that I do not like your poems, I really enjoyed them actually; just try to not rhyme in your next one and see what happens.
BEST OF WISHES!
~Kayla~ |
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Re: sad livin
(User Rating: 1 )
by Mila on
Friday, 24th October 2008 @ 03:18:20 AM AEST
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| I like this one becasuse it's so bold and real. |
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Re: sad livin
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Friday, 24th October 2008 @ 08:00:58 AM AEST
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I like this poem and I'd just keep writing from your heart. You have picked an interesting topic and the emotion is conveyed well. I generally don't give advice but I saw your request in the forums regarding free verse as opposed to rhyming. I say write the way you want. Poetry in my opinion is more about feeling and conveying your thoughts and emotion. That is why there is free verse and rhyminng. Honestly, who in the hell are we to say that you have written your own feelings wrong? This in my opinion is not a critiquing poetry site. Otherwise, your poems would not be immediately posted. If you feel comfortable writing free verse, then write it. Don't write it just becasue someone "tells" you to. The challenge is up to you, not others. Their challenge is their own challenge to themselves. Your challenge is your choice and is up to you.
You know, we're not all Edgar Allan Poes here so not many of us are going to set any world records any time soon. Just enjoy yourself and don't worry about trying to pass this college course that doesn't exist. If you take that poetry course, then and only then should you worry about your teacher's critiquing.
You cannot please all the people all the time you can only please some of the people some of the time.
I can say that I read my poems out loud to myself before posting. I do that to see if it flows well. I think this poem flows well. However, that is what I do. That may not be what others do and that may not be what you wish to do. Just do what you think is right. Do what makes you feel good. Tell the story you want to tell. You will inspire someone. Maybe not everyone but yeah, someone will like it. I do.
Take care and keep writing the way you want.
Tim |
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Re: sad livin
(User Rating: 1 )
by catz77 on
Friday, 24th October 2008 @ 09:41:12 PM AEST
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Poetry is a beautiful thing and the best thing about it is the emotion and images it prints in the reader's mind. I like this poem a lot, but to say that thoughts and grievences are not real poetry is not correct. It's these thoughts and grievences that drive our hands.
Awesome job.
'~(0_o)~' |
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