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The Whale
Contributed by
screwge
on
Wednesday, 22nd October 2008 @ 12:26:51 PM in AEST
Topic:
ambiguous
|
I have a fair conscience.
I did not flense
the Whale,
and I grew pale
as Its mammoth bones,
listening to Its groans
personal to the sea
before me,
the spokes denuded
of their inveterate bed.
I could not be glib,
seeing one scythe-rib
against the blushing sky,
weapons shy
on the average day,
cloaked in fat, stolen away
which is usual
but today, I saw a tool
expose
the militaristic rows.
I have a fair conscience.
I did not flense
the Whale,
and I grew pale
watching fruits skinned
by hands pined, thinned
away.
Copyright ©
screwge
... [
2008-10-22 12:26:51]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: The Whale
(User Rating: 1 )
by high_on_duct_tape on
Wednesday, 22nd October 2008 @ 07:00:12 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| I love what you're trying to do here. My main problem is that you try to force in some very awkward rhymes. This poem is at the point where the rhyme schceme really doesn't add much. Feel free to drop it, and just let it flow. The basic idea, again, is very worthwhile. |
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Re: The Whale
(User Rating: 1 )
by karoody on
Thursday, 23rd October 2008 @ 02:45:51 AM AEST
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I actually commend your rhymes, friend! I get to learn a new word today...flense.
It is hard to rhyme and get a point across. I applaud you for doing so. Very seldom do you see my write poetry with rhymes, there is reason. It is HARD! It drives me mad trying to make it happen. Stuff like this is so impressive to me.
Whales are majestic creatures aren't they?
Thank you for sharing
Kara
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