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Chasing the Horizon
Contributed by
3660Days
on
Saturday, 27th December 2008 @ 07:20:48 PM in AEST
Topic:
NaturePoetry
|
down paths of dirt and mud we trod,
the impossible autumn wind whipping our faces,
leaving us defenseless in the stinging rain
where we found ourselves that day
...not as we had imagined we might be,
strong and brave and invincible,
but weak and pitiful, our fingers numb,
our feet as good as deadand yet,
when I remember that day, so long ago,
when we found ourselves amongst swaying cornstalks,
I remember more than anything else
how bravely you encouraged me, and
how faithfully you prayed for the sun
I hope that you are still so brave and faithful today.
isnt it funny how afraid we are in the sunshine,
and how brave in the rain?
Copyright ©
3660Days
... [
2008-12-27 19:20:48]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Chasing the Horizon
(User Rating: 1 )
by high_on_duct_tape on
Friday, 2nd January 2009 @ 02:36:33 AM AEST
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Very well written. Wonderful weather metaphor.
I'm not sure you need the line: "I hope that you are still so brave and faithful today." The transition to it is a bit choppy, and the think the meaning is clear even without it. Also, the "..."s at the end of the first stanza and the beginning of the next seem unneeded.
Also, instead of "how bravely you encouraged me," I think it would be better to keep in the concrete weather metaphor: something like, "how bravely you sheilded my eyes from the rain" or "... wiped the rain from my glasses." Something less abstract. You could play around with doing that with the 2nd line of the 2nd stanza as well.
Excellent poem; I hope the above helps,
Solomon |
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