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the hands that feed (a man's heart)
Contributed by
simsalabim
on
Wednesday, 18th February 2009 @ 07:12:48 PM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
a thousand fingers
lashing out
like the tongues of vipers
at thier very own
unrecieved
uninterested
unoticed
unaffected
undisputed
master
this broken
disaster
was only here
for you
to slip on
your own broken
egos
trust me
i know
how your hurt
was grown
the points
you desire to make
to yourselves
is only half
of what you thought
you've known
Copyright ©
simsalabim
... [
2009-02-18 19:12:48]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: the hands that feed (a man's heart)
(User Rating: 1 )
by lostinmyself on
Wednesday, 18th February 2009 @ 07:20:24 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
Hey there,
I like this, I think the way it runs is really good. I do, however, think that it could do with being a bit longer, I got into it and it ended. There's a lot more than you could do with this, but that's a really good start.
The only other advice I can give you is: look at your punctuation.
Good write,
Phil xxx |
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