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No place like home
Contributed by
Voice of the Silent
on
Wednesday, 4th March 2009 @ 06:41:59 PM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
Usually I don't ask anything of anyone here to often but I have a talent show I want to enter and the topic for poetry is no place like home. Please tell me what you think and anything that could make it better
There's no place like home
It's the one place I never feel alone
The place I choose to rest my head
That's all that can be said
Home is like no other place
we can all relate
When someone yells in your face
It's where you can get away from the hate
The world is fill with so much pain
There's no place like home
It shelters me from the rain of pain
It's the one place I never feel alone
Copyright ©
Voice of the Silent
... [
2009-03-04 18:41:59]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: No place like home
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Thursday, 5th March 2009 @ 07:55:24 AM AEST
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a Message)
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| isto é certo |
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Re: No place like home
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Thursday, 5th March 2009 @ 02:49:01 PM AEST
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| I like the peacefulness this brings to my mind. I'll PM you the rest of my thoughts. |
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Re: No place like home
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Tuesday, 10th March 2009 @ 04:10:24 AM AEST
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| is certainly good |
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Re: No place like home
(User Rating: 1 )
by 3660Days on
Wednesday, 15th April 2009 @ 12:32:44 AM AEST
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Well I am assuming that I am too late, but in case I'm not, here are the hard-line thoughts of me on this piece:
Line:
1: This is a well-known quote from a movie, I would consider putting in in quotes or rewording it to no longer be a quote.
4: I would replace this line completely, since it's not really needed, and serves no purpose except to keep the rhyme.
5-8: Not sure if you meant to change the rhyme scheme in this stanza from AABB to ABAB, but I actually think this sounds better anyhow.
9: Typo, fill should be filled.
11: I like the inter-line rhyme of rain and pain, however, I feel the need to point out that rain is also used to end line 9, so 9 and 11 don't actually rhyme, they are the same word.
Hope you do (or did) well. :-D |
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