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Blind
Contributed by
amicus
on
Tuesday, 31st March 2009 @ 09:19:29 AM in AEST
Topic:
LostLove
|
I found love
Bound by happiness
Determined to se me free
Determined to blind me
Love is perfect didnt notice the cuts
Quickly explained
Happiness remained
Frequently more frequent
Did the cuts reappear
Awkwardly nervous
Didnt understand the purpose
Cutting a gap
Between love
Reaching for a hand
Still didnt understand
Pieces wont stick
Glue is all but gone
Shouldve payed more attention
Stayed away from confliction
Notice what you dont
See what normally escapes
The littlest things mean change
Interpret before they rearrange
Copyright ©
amicus
... [
2009-03-31 09:19:29]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Blind
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Wednesday, 1st April 2009 @ 05:58:28 AM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
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Typo in the 3rd line. Second stanza looks like it should be broken into two to fit the pattern. "Frequently more frequent" is a really bad line, we have thesauruses to reduce these problems. The fact that the poem ends with a rather forced rhyme loses it a lot of power.
"Love is perfect didn’t notice the cuts" is a really nice line, and "Cutting a gap | Between love" is pretty good too. Honestly, I'd drop the rhyming altogether; you could really well with this poem without it. |
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