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To Be Your Last
Contributed by
hopelezz
on
Monday, 13th April 2009 @ 11:53:07 PM in AEST
Topic:
dedicatedpoems
|
Every-time I look at you,
I hope your love is all true.
Just to be happy I made a sacrifice,
How long and how deep you spend it wise.
Not to be tired for you my love,
for you to know that your above.
To be true always for you,
not to lie whatever I do.
I don't care how many lips and shoulders that you've got,
because loving you is not only just a dot.
I don't care that I'm hopeless in the past,
All I care is not to be your first but to be your last.
Copyright ©
hopelezz
... [
2009-04-13 23:53:07]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: To Be Your Last
(User Rating: 1 )
by 3660Days on
Tuesday, 14th April 2009 @ 01:37:37 AM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
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Line:
1-12: Choppy.
2: Feels unnatural.
3-4: Don't actually rhyme (wise is pronounced like "wize", with a "z")
4: Feels unnatural.
5-6: Not sure what it meant here.
6: Should be "you're" not "your."
9-10: Not sure at all what these mean, but I like the imagery itself in 9.
12: I like the concept of the message here, but the choppiness of the line makes it distracting.
My advice is, take what you are trying to say, and go at it again with less focus on rhyming (which feels forced and unnatural here), but maybe more focus on line length (or, meter). If you want to rhyme, you really must master meter first, or it will never sound right. Avoid the "Dr. Seuss" feel.
Good luck.
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