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Concupiscence
Contributed by
Matariel
on
Thursday, 16th April 2009 @ 06:41:23 PM in AEST
Topic:
AmericanTragedy
|
I'm sorry, I've had to kill you
I remind myself of you by looking at your image
On a boat, sitting wisely
Looking off into the veridian waves
I hate what I've done to you
You were so young; you died giving birth to me
The birth pangs must have killed you
At only ten you gave into me
Innocent child that you were
You were killed by my stupid lusting
I suffer when I think of what I've done to you
Nothing left remains, but a grown vessel in which I live
I've replaced you, but no-one knows
Darkness, contraposed to the light you were
But I vowed to bring you back while I still had time
But you're gone
I was surprised the first time it happened
It took you by surprise, an eruption of awareness of life
And you died while yet you couldn't comprehend what took place
But you never could, no, you were too young for that
I lost you to those verdant waves
Which you tried to contemplate and understand
A surging tide, sinking to the bathosphere of what life is like
For those kind of men
I'm sorry you had to experience that
Your vulnerable and soft conscience dissolved away
And I took your place, living in the same soulful vessel
And no-one knows I'm here
But you died before I arrived
Though I was the one you died giving life to
Under the weight of the emerald waters in which you sank
But I've tried to pull you out
Over the shifting firmament
My new conscience was formed in the womb above
The watery sepulchre in which you reside; it was your's
Yet I took this selfsame vessel
While you were here
I begged you not to dissolve in my hand
But I wasn't you yet; you didn't know where this was heading
Youthful and untried
I erupted out of you
It was an unnatural thing; you died when you let me in
And I killed you with attraction; I envied those men
While you laid down there
I remember the picture of you
Where you're with your family; golden hair, a pair of boots
A smile on that sweet, clean face you bear
While you stayed up here
But I've had to kill you
When you gave birth to me in pain
The waters washed over you, you drowned before you had time
I was birthed out of your death
I'm sorry for you
You were overwhelmed by my stupid lusting
I'm sorry you dissolved while I held onto you
I didn't want you to recede
But you died while yet I lived
I understand those men because I'm one of them
A poor mystic child with a face towards God
That describes you
I live disjointed without you
But I never knew you, only of you
But I loved you, because of your blamelessness
While you stayed afloat
I've come to know you
All your memories and relations I've taken from you
But I hate myself for it; You were principally a victim of my lust
Submerging you in the bottomless sea
I'm sorry, I've had to kill you
I hate myself for it; I play the victim of concupiscent men
As they violate this sacred domain which you gave to me
Submerging me in the bottomless sea
They suffered the same cruel pathos
That you had; at the hands of emergents like me
Repeatedly piercing me, I submit to them like you to me
Submerging me in the sea
Maybe I'll be overtaken
And become like you; another replacement
One who does not give their vessel to other men
Drowning in the sea
Poor youth,
I'm sorry I did what I did, and tarnished this
I should've never let you drown; but you dissolved while yet in my hand
And died before I came out
Once again
I'm apologising to your memory
I have been violated of my own volition
Drowning in the sea repeatedly
Copyright ©
Matariel
... [
2009-04-16 18:41:23]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Concupiscence
(User Rating: 1 )
by Matariel on
Thursday, 16th April 2009 @ 08:01:03 PM AEST
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| Please comment, critique and point out flaws relentlessly. I spent a lot of time on this poem, and would appreciate some feedback and/or questions about it. |
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Re: Concupiscence
(User Rating: 1 )
by 3660Days on
Thursday, 16th April 2009 @ 11:59:10 PM AEST
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Three general things, and then i'll take it by lines..1. I thought it was a little long, like it could be shorter and have a more concentrated effect, 2. It was confusing at the beginning, (especially stanza 2) trying to figure out what the bleep you were talking about, BUT 3. Once the concept opens up, it was an EXCELLENT one. I love this theme, I am jealous of you for beating the rest of us to it.
By lines:
3-4: I think these were the most memorable image actually, I loved these lines.
5-8: Once again, these lines feel confusing since the meaning has not yet been established.
15-16: These lines felt unneeded, and I didn't like the double "but".
21-24: I rather liked these lines, the continued theme of waves, sinking, etc.
28: The repetition of the idea of "no one knows I'm here" which was also stated several stanzas before, I liked that, almost like an echo or chorus.
After that, like I said, it starts to feel long and repetative. IMO, this could be done in 1/3 or even 1/4 as many lines, and have a much more concentrated effect, without the feeling of dragging-the-theme at the end. Take that with a grain of salt.
Oh, and it's easy to relate to as well, by the way. That's always good for the reader :-D |
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Re: Concupiscence
(User Rating: 1 )
by Matariel on
Friday, 17th April 2009 @ 12:48:59 PM AEST
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"1. I thought it was a little long, like it could be shorter and have a more concentrated effect"
I think this is a good critique. When I wrote it, I didn't plan it out, and I can see where somethings are repetative/dragged out.
"2. It was confusing at the beginning, (especially stanza 2) trying to figure out what the bleep you were talking about"
The poem is a self-monologue. It's about someone who lost their innocence, which they picture as a child version of themself. The person realises that their current self was born out of the younger, innocent self, which is now extinguished. They use the imagery of the water to symbolise the unattainable domain to which the former self has sunk to, unable to be re-grasped.
"3. Once the concept opens up, it was an EXCELLENT one. I love this theme, I am jealous of you for beating the rest of us to it."
I'm glad! Thanks for your comments so much. I take your critiques to heart.
By lines:
"3-4: I think these were the most memorable image actually, I loved these lines."
These lines come from a real photo I have, of myself as a child, sitting indian-style on a boat looking off into the sea.
"5-8: Once again, these lines feel confusing since the meaning has not yet been established."
I understand. The concept of birth is related to motherhood, but the child was only ten. I can see how this could be confusing. It's not talking about literally being born, but rather the speaker feels like he/she came out of the child since they have the same body ("vessel") but they are really the same person, just a young, innocent one, and an older one who has lost their innocence.
"15-16: These lines felt unneeded, and I didn't like the double 'but'."
I agree.
21-24: I rather liked these lines, the continued theme of waves, sinking, etc.
"28: The repetition of the idea of "no one knows I'm here" which was also stated several stanzas before, I liked that, almost like an echo or chorus."
Yes. No-one knows they are there because they see "them" as the same individual (which, in reality, they are) but they don't know of her/his secret life of giving into "the men".
"After that, like I said, it starts to feel long and repetative. IMO, this could be done in 1/3 or even 1/4 as many lines, and have a much more concentrated effect, without the feeling of dragging-the-theme at the end. Take that with a grain of salt."
No, I value your criticism. I do see that it's a little dragged out. Perhaps I'll re-do this poem... I hope it wasn't too repetive that you lost interest.
"Oh, and it's easy to relate to as well, by the way. That's always good for the reader :-D"
Always a good thing. Thanks. :) |
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Re: Concupiscence
(User Rating: 1 )
by ever1der on
Friday, 17th April 2009 @ 01:51:42 PM AEST
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| for some strange reason this reminds me of the song, Delilah" I had never listened to the words before yesterday and then I'm like wow ... lots of impact. It is a bit lengthy but then I'm a bit old :) |
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Re: Concupiscence
(User Rating: 1 )
by Matariel on
Friday, 17th April 2009 @ 02:01:14 PM AEST
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| Ever1der, I've never heard that song, Delilah. Who sang it? |
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