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Choice?
Contributed by
Cathi
on
Monday, 22nd June 2009 @ 03:24:23 AM in AEST
Topic:
Lifepoems
|
The weather screams my fear
The clouds gather my consciousness
And I find myself thankfully ungrateful
For a life I never chose
As far as I know.
But what if I did?
It begs the question
Why choose
This?
Rather than
That?
Perhaps I will find answers
But more likely I will not
Even care for the answer
Upon and after
Death
Too taken with my own mortality
To care about anything else than
Retain this life
I supposedly did not choose.
The weather screams and
The clouds gather
And I find myself in love:
I do not want to die.
Copyright ©
Cathi
... [
2009-06-22 03:24:23]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Choice?
(User Rating: 1 )
by Mars on
Monday, 22nd June 2009 @ 05:36:07 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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| Very nice, in particular how you organized it. Possibly use a semicolon instead of a colon in the second to last line? Anyway, great poem. |
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Re: Choice?
(User Rating: 1 )
by ming on
Monday, 22nd June 2009 @ 06:24:08 AM AEST
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a Message)
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Nice...but, its kind of wordy. I would take out ALL the first words, we know you are the writer so its like all those I's are not needed. Like this;
Weather screams my fears
Clouds gather my consciousness
Thanks, but ungrateful
for this life.
What if I did...
begs the question?
Choose this
rather that?
Perhaps to find answers.
Most likely, not even
care for the answers,
upon, after death/
that next stanza baffles me? :)
but then the last;
Weather screams.
Clouds gather.
I find myself in love;
Not wanting to die.
Something like this. It has GOOD bones. Just needs messing with. My opinion only. Good work. |
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