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THERE'S NOT A PILL FOR EVERYTHING....
Contributed by
WADEMANLOWLIFE
on
Thursday, 6th August 2009 @ 12:36:28 AM in AEST
Topic:
EmotionalPoetry
|
DOC, DOC, YOU GOTTA INCREASE MY HAPPY PILL DOSE I HATE MY LIFE!!!
BOY THERE'S NOT A PILL FOR EVERYTHING....
BOY, YOU WASTED YOUR OPPERTUNITIES IN YOUR YOUTH.
YOU WILL DRIFT FROM ONE UNSKILLED LABOUR JOB TILL THE NEXT.
YOU NEVER COMPLETED A GOOD EDUCATION.
IT'S ALL ABOUT MISTAKES YOU MADE TEN OR SO YEARS AGO....
IT'S ALL ABOUT LIFE-STYLE FACTORS....
THE DOC BASICALLY CALLED ME A LOSER!!!
THE DOC TOLD ME TO GET OFF MY ASS AND GET AN EDUCATION!!!
THE DOC HAD NO SYMPATHY FOR MY WASTED YEARS......
IT'S ALL UP TO ME.................................
Copyright ©
WADEMANLOWLIFE
... [
2009-08-06 00:36:28]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: THERE'S NOT A PILL FOR EVERYTHING....
(User Rating: 1 )
by jantra on
Thursday, 6th August 2009 @ 01:13:12 AM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
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| hmm i liked where you were trying to go with this but it feels....unfinished to me and I will try to show you why. First of all I have to say once again I really hate the use of all caps. Take your caps lock key off it's really really distracting to your reader. Ok so i think you have potential but once again too I have an issue with your line breaks. I feel the beginning sentence should stand alone as a stanza since it is your words vs the words of the doctor in the rest of the stanza. I liked the idea of the conversation/word play between you and the doctor but this was an idea that was completely lost in the second stanza. I feel it might fit with the overall structure of the poem if you worded the second stanza as your response to the doctor rather then just a complaint about what he said. I also didnt feel like that last line made a lot of sense. it's all up to you to what?? its worded very poorly. Also there is a misspelling in the first stanza opportunities is spelled like that. small errors like that are very important to correct since they distract the reader from the overall message of your poem. you are a little rough around the edges but i think you have potential. keep it up! |
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