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Political Jungles
Contributed by
lastwaltz
on
Friday, 4th April 2003 @ 09:05:00 PM in AEST
Topic:
political
|
Were more likely to have road rage
Than outrage at a war fought more for the oil
On their soil than for human rights,
But it is human nights that are filled with fire
While we waste our desires on cars and clothes
Ignoring the rose of protest that continues growing
In the minds of the knowing who cant stand by
As a nations children cry
And our soldiers die.
If we could only express with such force
Our divorce from violence as we do our distaste
For the places where people smoke.
If we could with such zest
Protest, no homeless on the streets shall roam,
They all must be given a home and a job.
If only we could care as much about the poor
We abhor when they ask for change
And could rearrange our social system.
If only we could cry as hard for teenage mothers,
Or our sisters and brothers who die or live
Submissive to HIV.
What a world we could see
If only we believed so wholeheartedly,
That they are equal to me.
Copyright ©
lastwaltz
... [
2003-04-04 21:05:00]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Political Jungles
(User Rating: 1 )
by banjo on
Tuesday, 22nd April 2003 @ 02:50:15 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
I really like this, the internal rhyme works well.
I think the lack of focus -- it's not just about war, or homelessness, or AIDS, but about all of them -- actually works for you -- it's like a wanderer across the landscape. You avoid rhetoric and tired phrases and that's very nice. A lot of nice turns.
A couple of notes:
The line about people who smoke doesn't feel like it fits. Maybe because smoke doesn't rhyme or come close to anything, or maybe because it feels trivial compared to the other stuff you're talking about.
"Brothers who die or live/submissive to HIV" makes me want to read HIV like it rhymes with live. Which sounds silly. And you don't need a rhyme there, because you've got "submissive." change to AIDS or something else?
"home and a job" sort of sticks out rhythmically, too. Job and a home?
Good write, keep it up.
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Re: Political Jungles
(User Rating: 1 )
by banjo on
Tuesday, 22nd April 2003 @ 03:00:54 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
I really like this, the internal rhyme works well.
I think the lack of focus -- it's not just about war, or homelessness, or AIDS, but about all of them -- actually works for you -- it's like a wanderer across the landscape. You avoid rhetoric and tired phrases and that's very nice. A lot of nice turns.
A couple of notes:
The line about people who smoke doesn't feel like it fits. Maybe because smoke doesn't rhyme or come close to anything, or maybe because it feels trivial compared to the other stuff you're talking about.
"Brothers who die or live/submissive to HIV" makes me want to read HIV like it rhymes with live. Which sounds silly. And you don't need a rhyme there, because you've got "submissive." change to AIDS or something else?
"home and a job" sort of sticks out rhythmically, too. Job and a home?
Good write, keep it up.
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