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Blackbird
Contributed by
DunWonSonita
on
Saturday, 5th April 2003 @ 11:05:00 PM in AEST
Topic:
EmotionalPoetry
|
Hail blackbird,
your feathers beating in the sky.
Your beautiful head and
strong proud neck.
You soar.
I soar with you.
You are independant.
I come the next day and see you
you rotten scavenger
you're ugly
black feathers
you must be a curse
get away!
You hurt my eyes.
Go eat maggoty food,
you clump of tar!
I'm sorry
I was angry.
Yesterday, they took him away from me
You're right
You're beatiful.
Your feather shine, and you maintain the earth.
You are strong, I am not.
I try to believe that I will not crumble.
Everyone says that they will survive.
Not me.
Fly away, i'm in my misery.
Don't let my misery get to you.
You're an inspiration.
I may call you a maggot, but you don't care
Turn around, look me in the eye
Say a squak as you say good bye,
King of birds
Copyright ©
DunWonSonita
... [
2003-04-05 23:05:00]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Blackbird
(User Rating: 1 )
by Good_King_Bragi on
Thursday, 24th April 2003 @ 05:16:44 AM AEST
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| What a beautiful piece. It conveys well the paradox of how blackbirds actually live and are perceived by humans. |
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Re: Blackbird
(User Rating: 1 )
by banjo on
Thursday, 24th April 2003 @ 01:06:17 PM AEST
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a Message)
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Isn't it funny or strange how something can change overnight when all that has really changed is us. Nice work addressing that topic.
I like the strong, forceful, at times commanding tone of the first two stanzas -- Hail Blackbird, you hurt my eyes; my favorite line is "You clump of tar!" Maybe you could push that tone, make it stronger at points...more consistent.
The third stanza feels loose... I wonder if it could be condensed. If you could only keep half of the lines which ones would you keep -- and would it be a better poem tight like that? Would it compel you to write more lines? I guess the point isn't fewer lines, but every line a necessary one.
Good work, keep writing!
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