|
 Menu
|
|
|
|
|
Social
|
|
|
|
|
The king of me
Contributed by
tam
on
Sunday, 12th September 2010 @ 09:22:02 AM in AEST
Topic:
ChristianPoetry
|
I labored for the king of me
the little ones so broken be
they bring such pain upon my tree
in dancing light, fall loves us free
One wish was granted to the wood
to look at love divine and good
and God knows this was my should
I stand alone it's understood
The forest eyes that suffer so
and secrets believe as silence knows
a gift of love once called old foe
now fly you doves your free to go
Copyright ©
tam
... [
2010-09-12 09:22:02]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
Advertisments:
|
|
|
|
|
|
Sorry, comments are no longer allowed for anonymous, please register for a free membership to access this feature and more
|
|
All comments are owned by the poster. Your Poetry
Dot Com is not responsible for the content of any
comment.
That said, if you find an offensive comment, please
contact via the FeedBack Form with details, including poem title
etc.
|
|
|
Re: The king of me
(User Rating: 1 )
by Pidge on
Sunday, 12th September 2010 @ 09:38:51 AM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
| Good writing. I'm not religious asuch, more agnostic but nonetheless was a good poem. |
|
|
Re: The king of me
(User Rating: 1 )
by TsunamiWaverider on
Sunday, 12th September 2010 @ 06:45:43 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
They say that if you can't say anything nice, you shouldn't say anything at all.....that being said, i feel i have to comment anyway.
The poem had traces of excellence, but it was as if you 'settled'.....like you were in a hurry to have it committed to paper. I felt that had you taken more time to search for more appropriate words....or rearranged them better, the poem could/would have been powerful and emotive.
Your line "and God knows this was my should" - although one understands it, i feel it could have been better said.
Please, don't take offence....i am no poetry expert and i know just how hard it is to write poems - especially religious poems (i have only been able to write just one myself - 'You Are My Destiny' is its title), but i truly believe it is better to have honest feedback than no feedback at all.
Don't 'settle'....! Cheers.
P.S. The title should also convey that you are talking about GOD....so 'king' should at least be capitalized - "The King of me". |
|
|
|
· 
Poetry
Community
Members
Areas
Reference
Search
Top
Others
