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help me
Contributed by
elle
on
Thursday, 27th January 2011 @ 06:12:31 PM in AEST
Topic:
DarkPoetry
|
help me
I need you
through speeding days
& flash-back nights
pictures of memory
roll on & on
I cry remembering
love-shaped words
you used to whisper
me in night. . .
soft touches given
once for love
your face all glowing
eyes desire. . .
help me
the sinners sing out
& saints speak deep
to heal the hurt
soft prayers drift down
& words fall
from open mouths
no. . . is cried behind the hymn
no. I died
left you in a world of sin
rainbows form & become flat
as tears from angels
softly touch my grave
help me
no. . . you said
& turned to walk away
but something struck your heart
gave you pause. . . made you stay
I think the secret. . .
lost. . .
flies from my eyes
what else. . .
what else. . . could have held you back
help me
now. . . you could not
the flowers you brought
looked like some we'd lost. . .
sometime. . .
somewhere. . .
I guess they reminded me
of days gone by
of love
we loved. . .
of sin
we took. . .
of love we took. . . away. . . away. . .
your tears fall down
upon this land
& through the dirt
I see your grief. . .
help me
oh how I needed you
to live on
how then could you deny
me. . .
my love
I reach through
wood
& dirt
& worms
& through the earth
my hand clears. . .
I take your hand in mine
I feel your fear
I pull you down
through earth soaked wet
by tear
struggling & fighting
you find yourself here. . .
as glowing coals rool down
now & then
the fire streams red
& falls around
soon after laughter
you become quite hot
help me
you cry. . .
but I cannot. . .
Copyright ©
elle
... [
2011-01-27 18:12:31]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: help me
(User Rating: 1 )
by Aspirant on
Thursday, 27th January 2011 @ 08:57:40 PM AEST
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a Message)
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Elle, you really have a unique poetic voice here. The speaker is both scary and pitiable. Few poets can get the words to flow so softly and eloquently off the page as you do here... wonderful!
I have a few modest suggestions for how you might further polish the write:
In the third stanza, I found the line "flies from my eyes" a little perplexing. That being the case, I'm not sure what to suggest as an alternative but just wanted to offer my 2 cents that it wasn't clear to me.
Also, nearing the end, you give the line "struggling & fighting" as a rather brief summary of the conflict involved... I think this is a significant point in the poem where you might choose to emphasize the contrast in emotion between the quiet tones used elsewhere and the intense feelings of rage or indignation that seem to exist between the two lovers.
Of course, as it stands, there's no real need for change. Thanks very much for the read. |
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Re: help me
(User Rating: 1 )
by kleetas on
Thursday, 27th January 2011 @ 10:12:26 PM AEST
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| how long has this been goin' on'- THATS the line that comes to mind ....like intertwown loins of arms inter-twined... |
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Re: help me
(User Rating: 1 )
by emystar on
Friday, 28th January 2011 @ 01:07:29 AM AEST
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Good work, very thought provoking.
blessings,
emy |
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Re: help me
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Sunday, 30th January 2011 @ 04:21:24 AM AEST
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Goodness gracious, Elle, you should write a screenplay!!!! Your genes = genius.  |
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Re: help me
(User Rating: 1 )
by hetlerkh on
Monday, 7th February 2011 @ 04:27:30 AM AEST
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a Message)
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like like like !! with two thumbs up !
totally deep n expressive ...
i haven't been around ... but i just came read this n i can really say your writings are still amazing and passionate :) !
your #1 fan ! :D keep it up |
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