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Innocent!
Contributed by
NightOwl61
on
Sunday, 3rd April 2011 @ 10:43:52 PM in AEST
Topic:
HumorPoetry
|
.....................................
Brain: "Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
Pinky: "I think so Brain, but if Jimmy cracked corn,
and no one cares, why does he keep doing it?"
.....................................
I declare this most patiently,
Madame and sir,
That it wasn't my fault.
I quite plainly assure
Just how innocent, indeed,
One can possibly be.
And I am the most
Innocent person I see.
If it had truly been me
Who committed this deed.
I'd not hide my guilt.
Why, I would quickly concede
That I'd been quite a fiend
In a most fiendish way.
But as you'll soon see,
I was too busy today.
Why, it could not have been me.
I've a witness, I'm certain,
Who may have actually
Seen me open the curtain,
And draw every blind
With a fine point Bic pen.
No, it could not have been me.
I was somewhere else then.
Doing something unique
As I so often do.
Things most ordinary people
Never get to.
Why, I had so much to do,
And I had so little time
That it could not have been me
Who committed this crime.
And so, Madame and Sir,
If you'll give me a minute,
I'll prove to you, surely,
It was not me who did it.
I've a rather good story.
And all of it's true.
So please, please be patient,
And I'll share it with you.
I was busy today,
Very busy, you see.
More busy than anyone,
Anywhere should possibly be.
For I was fixing the roof
Where it leaked from the rain.
I was painting the house.
I was clearing the drain.
I spent my day fishing,
Which ran far into the night,
But the lake was so quiet
The trout would not bite.
I was walking the dog
And then feeding the cat.
On days such as this
I do things like that.
I drove out to the country
To make sure it was there.
I searched and I searched
But could not find it anywhere.
So, dissapointed and sour,
I made it back into town.
And every mailbox I passed,
I painted them brown.
I was weaving a hat
From this basket of straw.
It had a band and a bill
And not one single flaw.
It took me all day
And a weekend or two.
So those things that I did,
I could never do.
I was out in the country
In a far away land
Helping strangers who all
Need a strong helping hand.
Building bridges and towers
And fresh water holes.
Oh, I've been to some oddly
Strange places that nobody knows.
Places so very strange
They all sound like a Zee.
Places so oddishly-odd
And unusually
Verbose and redundant,
Where they tap all their ties,
Where Poppletoff Penguins
Do not need a disguise.
Where the Matangi Bilby,
And the Hei Matau Finch
Can co-exist peaceably
Without giving an inch.
I planted a tree,
And then chopped it down.
But I've no witness, I'm sure,
For there was nobody around.
So I painted the doors
And I duct-taped the vent.
Oh, you've no idea, sir,
Just how my day went.
So, I folded a table,
And what a table it was.
Then I folded a chair
That went with it, because
They both went together,
And I hadn't the heart
To force my will upon them
And keep them apart.
I knew you'd understand
This from my point of view.
It's exactly the reason
Why I tell this to you.
All that's happened to me,
And why I'm so innocent. Yes,
I could use some support
In all of this mess.
I noticed the drapes
In the hallway were green,
The most obcene kind of green
That I've ever seen.
And, cautious man that I am,
I knew they had to go.
And not in a good way,
If you mean what I know.
I was building a wall
Out of old paper plates,
Then I sang an old tune
That named all fifty states.
Of course it is true,
Eh, from my point of view.
For I was out at the lake
Barbequing a steak.
I was digging a hole
For a very logical bear
Who insisted a hole
Would never do there.
I was teaching the cat
How to shampoo the dog.
I was building a campfire
Out of an old log.
I then washed the raisins,
And sauteed all the rice.
Then set them out nicely
In a bowl full of ice.
I painted each window
A fine shade of black,
With a soft trim of purple
Set way in the back.
But it was so dark in the house
And so dismal and gray
I couldn't find my way out,
And was stuck there all day.
I was writing a letter
With the e's all left out.
Then I decided I knew
Absolutely nothing about
Einstines theory of something
That starts with an R.
So I put on my shoes
And then gassed up the car.
You can trust me, of course.
For I never lie.
I'm an honorable fellow.
And I do not wish to imply
Any virulent thought,
Fear, plan, or general Ideal.
I would like the truth known.
I've nothing to conceal.
My days are quite busy,
I live no man's cliche.
So I have no doubt
That you'll see things my way.
Why, I had so much to do,
And I had so little time
That it could not have been me
Who committed this crime.
For I plan things, you see,
In a most skillful way.
So, quite ahead of my game,
I took action today.
I went to the market,
But I'm not sure what for.
So, perhaps that's the reason
I went to the store.
I repaneled the wall
And fixed all of the squeeks.
The squeeks from the hinjes
That had squeeked for six weeks.
Then I taught the Canary
To sing baratone.
But the Parrots protested,
And made it fly home.
I was doing the dishes
In a far off dish place.
I was sweeping the tower.
I was washing my face.
I could have been golfing.
Well, probably not.
With the storm coming in
It was just too darn hot.
And I never liked golfing.
Never liked it at all,
Wearing those ugly clothes
And then chasing a ball.
Oh, don't tell me I didn't
When I know it's all true.
Someone as busy as me
Just has so much to do
That it could not have been me
For I haven't the time
To flitter your feathers
And commit such a crime.
Now you can understand
My vast innocence, true.
So, I'll rest my case,
And bid you adieu.
Copyright 2011 R. D. Remler
All Rights Reserved
Copyright ©
NightOwl61
... [
2011-04-03 22:43:52]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Innocent!
(User Rating: 1 )
by Aspirant on
Monday, 4th April 2011 @ 01:22:53 AM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
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| Fun read. Very Dr. Seuss. |
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