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Truthly Tale
Contributed by
Mozy
on
Friday, 15th April 2011 @ 04:18:30 PM in AEST
Topic:
DarkPoetry
|
Truthly Tale
Lies be spoken to those who hide shall fall to the depths of endless cries. As evil fissures break out with rapturous claws the guilty vengeance is abroad.
Lurking in the desolate caves filled with victims to consume, the beasts masks the cry of HELP! mourning for your doom. As evil unfurls and lies are approaching, the shadows of darkness are controlling.
The beast just chuckles with a roar of delight as people bask in their lies. With a smirk the beast advised I SHALL NEVER BE DENIED!
Confidence aroused the beasts thoughts as his demonic ways were released. Flooding the earth, women shrieked HELP THI!
Breathless light, so divine parted the clouds of black.
With a CRACK a bolt of ray pierced the beast in the heart.
Shocked with rage the old beast bellowed to the ground with a THUD rippling a quake. The young and the old grew up told to the ways of honesty.
The beast so fierce no more plummeted down the tunnel of hell. The moment we thought he was gone a echo was spared.
I CURSE YOU IN VAIN! the beast yelled with might.
God just peered from heaven where he laid.
Truth should be told.
Mozy
Copyright ©
Mozy
... [
2011-04-15 16:18:30]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Truthly Tale
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Friday, 15th April 2011 @ 09:14:07 PM AEST
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| Pretty good. I liked the dark tone. |
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Re: Truthly Tale
(User Rating: 1 )
by Aspirant on
Saturday, 16th April 2011 @ 12:30:11 AM AEST
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The grammar is strange. It doesn't look right to me. Lines like the first one and "The young and the old grew up told to the ways of honesty." Is told an adjective here? If so, why does "to" follow it?
Another example: "The beast so fierce no more plummeted down the tunnel of hell."
Shouldn't "no more" be moved after plummeted so it reads: The beast so fierce plummeted no more down the tunnel of hell.
And even then, just "the beast so fierce" sounds very awkward to me.
The use of commas is also a bit odd. "Breathless light, so divine parted the clouds of black."
Should probably have a comma after "so divine", or the sentence should be restructured in another way. Something like "Divine breathless light parted the black clouds" would be a normal way to structure the sentence. I appreciate that you aren't going for "normal" tone here, but I think all the spins you put on this sentence make it read badly.
I think there's too much passive voice in the poem. If you're not familiar with the concept of passive/active voice, you could look it up.
There are also some simple errors like "a echo" (should be "an echo") and "the beasts masks the cry of..." (should be, the beast masks the cry of..."). etc.
Truthly also isn't a word. I don't think it makes for a particularly effective title.
Are the women supposed to shriek "HELP THI"! or is that a typo of some kind?
I think your poem could use some revisions. Good luck with your project. |
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