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Weekends governed by beer and horse racing results
Contributed by
flavellm
on
Monday, 7th May 2012 @ 03:38:45 PM in AEST
Topic:
Lifepoems
|
My pale body climbs into an empty bed
visualising the fading fragments of another alcoholic evening
on a faraway and reeling, cracked spinning ceiling
still enamoured by the adolescent discovery
that chatting up chubby girls and neckin' ale
are still the most natural and appropriate pleasures
in the life of a young male
I'll be hungover tomorrow and spread-eagled
on the sofa watching T.V as I nestle
with a adequate supply
of beer fags and pretzels
Untill nature calls
upstairs I'll crawl
far from fluent across the hall
the staggered steps
of a haggered mess
squinting into the mirror to painfully assess
the damage Inflicted upon myself
over the past 30 years
the result of far too much overtime
fast food and beer
Is it the wicked nature of women
or am I just not that visually arresting?
Is it the shy awkward nature of women
or am I just verbally distressing?
Hungover I become quite the self-deprecating fool
but I'll do it all again next week son
Copyright ©
flavellm
... [
2012-05-07 15:38:45]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Weekends governed by beer and horse racing results
(User Rating: 1 )
by HaroldWilson on
Wednesday, 9th May 2012 @ 08:05:52 AM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
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This is quite good; very real. You may want to check the punctuation (include commas and full stops where they are needed), although you may have written this purposely without such punctuation in order to give it a more raw, chaotic feel.
Also, I don't think you need the last two lines of the second-to-last stanza, they don’t really add anything to the poem.
-Harold. |
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