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Eleven Years
Contributed by
Kristidawn
on
Friday, 18th May 2012 @ 01:28:40 AM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
I can hardly believe it's been eleven years. May 17, 2001 at 1:36am in room 126. She came into this world. 6lbs 6oz of fire, strength, strong will, fight, and a heart to match. She was born with dark brown hair and intense blue eyes. I remember looking into that face, those eyes. Everything melted away. The pain, the exhaustion. The room was bustling with staff and machines and noises but I couldn't hear any of it. Looking into her face; everything went quiet. All I could hear was the sound of her breathing. My heart beating. Slow. Steady. Strong. Her heart beating. Faster than my own. Steady though. Strong. She just looked at me. No cries. No fear. Inquisitive. As if to say: Who are you? I know you. I held her. I watched her drift to sleep. She had a long rough travel.
I remember sending everyone away and her being taken to the nursery so I could get some sleep. When I woke I called to have her brought to me but no one answered. I got out of the bed, and held the walls for support. I walked to the nursery and buzzed for them to bring her to me. The nurse frowned at me for walking so far but brought her anyway. I used the bassinet to help me walk us back to my room. I was so dizzy, but I lifted her from the bassinet and held her close. Crawled into the bed and snuggled her. I just breathed her in. I held her firmly and just watched her sleep. Watched her breathe. Touched every little finger. Every little toe. Her little ears. Her tiny little nose. I watched her little mouth. She does the same little smirking thing with the corners of her mouth. She's a lot like me. As she lay there in my arms, just a few hours old, I made her a promise. I promised her that I would always be there for her. I would always protect her. I would always love her. I would guide her, encourage her, push her, discipline her, kiss her ouchies, and teach her. I fell asleep holding her and thinking to myself ... How am I going to do this? I now have 4 children. How am I to hold up to my promise? How am I going to be everything I said I would be? Everything she needs me to be? What if I fail her? What if...
I've not held my promise very well, but I'm not done yet. There are things in this life I could not control. Things I could not prevent. Sooo many things I could have done differently. Deep down I knew things would be difficult for her. Somehow; I was not worried. There's a strength in her like no other. She was born with it. It's in me too. I see myself in her more than I do my older children. They all have little recognizable pieces of me, but in her I see almost all of me. Too much so. So much so that it scares me. I don't want her to struggle. To always have to fight. To always have to be courageous. I want for her to be carefree. To be spontaneous. To be open to everything and anything. To trust. To love with out fear. To take this life I brought her into by the horns and break it. Let her spirit soar. Show this life that nothing will break her spirit.
Eleven years. Her hair has changed. Her eyes the softest brown. But everything is still the same. She fights. She is fierce. She is stubborn. She is compassionate. She is Brave. She has been on a long rough travel. Tonight I looked into that face. Those eyes. I've not fulfilled my promise. I see it in her eyes. I see it in her face. It pained me to see that. Eleven years. I held her tight. I kissed her head. I looked into her eyes again and told her I love her. She smiled. She said she loves me. There it was. That smirk we get. I could see the fire burning in her. I could see her spirit. It's not broken. It's just beginning. It's building. It's unscathed. Just as I'm not done fulfilling my promise; she's still grasping life's horns. She's riding this life. She will own this life, just as I will keep my promise.
Copyright ©
Kristidawn
... [
2012-05-18 01:28:40]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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