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Time
Contributed by
mick
on
Saturday, 26th April 2014 @ 03:33:27 PM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
Time to love me or leave me
Time to think and act
Not time to pretend and play more games
So be silent in that solitude,
Which is not loneliness- for then
The spirits of the dead, who stood
In life before thee, are again
In death around thee, and their will
Shall overshadow thee; be still.
Shadowy, shadowy, yet unbroken,
Is a symbol and a token.
So go to where people do not dwell no more;
They had gone unto the wars,
Coming home with nothing but scars
and time to morn for those who didn't.
Copyright ©
mick
... [
2014-04-26 15:33:27]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Time
(User Rating: 1 )
by softerware on
Saturday, 26th April 2014 @ 05:33:21 PM AEST
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So gentle and compelling; it reads like a prayer said aloud by many together.
"Be still".
"So be silent in that solitude".
A farewell to all lost, and a call to those "coming home with nothing but scars" .
You have given us a way to speak our gratitude that we are living free.
softerware
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Re: Time
(User Rating: 1 )
by Invierno on
Saturday, 26th April 2014 @ 07:40:42 PM AEST
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| Hi Mick,
Man, I sure do like this one. Very cool....very cool. Like the other comment, it does remind one of a prayer....wonderful. It has an air of magic about it, especially the second stanza. I absolutely dig the overall theme- inaccessible (to love) veteran returns home scarred by war and comrades lost. I hope this is correct...that's what I derived at any rate.
I love playing with words. It's incredible that we have these 26 symbols that when laid out in varying combinations, form roughly 470,000 words. We can choose any of them without restriction, to cobble into meaning. The layout, the picking, the selection process....syntax...fun stuff. I very much like your poem, of course. It's a fair statement that I read alot of poems on this site. Not sure how it happened, but I spend an inordinate and sometimes, unreasonable (to my demands) amount of time here.
Sometimes I run across one such as you've written, and my mind swings into overdrive, playing with all those combinations at our mental fingertips. I hope I don't offend thee. (I'm a fan of formal Spanish and old English m'self. Example found in "The Lord of Olney Moor", on this site under invierno.) For me, the variance below is reflective of a different arrangement of words, and I don't think or suggest one is better than the other, only that they are different.
I have no desire to offend thee, and so proceed at slothful pace, in order of ideas placed; clarity of mine intent at stake.
Be silent in that solitude,
not loneliness for you or them,
The spirits of the dead who stood,
In life before thee, are again.
With death around thee feel their will,
shadows over thee; be still.
I hope you work some more on this. I feel there's an enormous amount of potential in this piece. Third stanza is utterly critical to tie-in, and I hope you play with those 470,000 words at our command.
There are different poetry websites, and I'm still new to this one. I've only been on one other, and all they did was rip my a** on everything I submitted for post. It was nuts! Half the time, they rejected it with a nasty note back on how it wasn't in the correct forum. They took all the fun out of poetry and I didn't write for a few years. I feel for them....the irony of it begs to be written. Hmm......
Anyway, I do see many comments, 90% more or less positive reinforcement and encouragement to continue, and not so many of a constructively critical nature. It seems as if in the last 30 years, people have become made of glass; we all tread in fear of offending the crystalline structure of the new millennium ego. As I wrote above, I rarely will divest my energy in critical analysis on other's contributions, and only do so when I see something that trips my trigger. Besides, when it comes to stuff I write, I am my own most fierce critic. And that takes time.
Have a great evening. Sorry for the length. |
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