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A COLLAPSING PARADISE
Contributed by
hray42
on
Friday, 20th June 2014 @ 06:16:03 PM in AEST
Topic:
MiscPoems
|
you exist within a collapsing paradise
where old confetti has littered the floor
you mistook mistakes for good advise
when you blindly followed through a door
soon you found an open pit
realized by when you fell
please come here and have a sit
so your fortune i can tell
your future is one of mystery
not black, nor white, or even grey
but i do see you have had a history
and of this, what do you say?
i say it seems you're out of luck
i say it seems you know no shame
an alias born when you were stuck
to hide your face, and hide your name
i now know the secrets you need to keep
and for this, you deliver fear
please don't send me off to sleep
i plead this quite sincere
leave quietly, and mean no harm
leave the same way you came in
be friendly to me, and show your charm
then let the paradise collapsing begin...
Copyright ©
hray42
... [
2014-06-20 18:16:03]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: A COLLAPSING PARADISE
(User Rating: 1 )
by ladyfawn on
Friday, 20th June 2014 @ 08:30:31 PM AEST
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truly unique and sooo beautifully written,
hugs n' love nessa |
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Re: A COLLAPSING PARADISE
(User Rating: 1 )
by Invierno on
Saturday, 21st June 2014 @ 07:31:48 AM AEST
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Great job here. The concept, or premise, is sound. It got me to keep reading in hopes of illumination or some sort of resolution, but,being a poem and not a story, one cannot expect full closure.
I guess we (I ?) need more from you on this. What mistakes? How can (s)he fix? Who is the fortune teller? What does the walk-in look like from a soul-view aspect?
Like it quite a lot.
Invierno |
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Re: A COLLAPSING PARADISE
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Saturday, 21st June 2014 @ 08:40:06 PM AEST
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seems at first to not be aligned then again
suggesting exactly what a charmer might
blindly charmingly design
The paradise and the last lack of caring
about what was foolhardy and absurdity.
The blind partisanship, the misguided ideology
and we the infinitesimal who might only wish
very well done... thought provoking!
Peace! |
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Re: A COLLAPSING PARADISE
(User Rating: 1 )
by alicewhite on
Wednesday, 25th June 2014 @ 06:04:52 AM AEST
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I'm totally with Invierno on this one , i want to know the ins and outs of this one, brilliant as usual ,
you exist within a collapsing paradise,
like a holographic fractal?
and i love these lines
your future is one of mystery
not black, nor white, or even grey
but i do see you have had a history
and of this, what do you say?
I say it seems you're out of luck
I say it seems you know no shame
an alias born when you were stuck
to hide your face and hide your name
and i love how you ended the poem with the line
then let the paradise collapsing begin...
this is the sort of poem that i love finding and love reading x |
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