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born
Contributed by
plous
on
Thursday, 29th May 2003 @ 01:35:00 PM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
i am born dependent, to safety and control, a frey ,a problem, which are to the flow, of time to shape of my face, to the bright spots, on to the dark hiding face, i can see withing me, the sense of you, the probles we reveal, the crossed wires of right and all the ideals, to be a bar of soap, slowly fadeing, introduces hope and an overlall feeling of saveing, the lose order of the day, i hold no cognition to elements and labels, but to institutions that seek with ignorance in their own taste to make the world stable.
Copyright ©
plous
... [
2003-05-29 13:35:00]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: born
(User Rating: 1 )
by Ilhar on
Thursday, 29th May 2003 @ 01:40:21 PM AEST
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a Message)
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interesting
Shari |
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Re: born
(User Rating: 1 )
by banjo on
Thursday, 29th May 2003 @ 01:45:55 PM AEST
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| I don't like to rhyme either. Poems don't have to rhyme. But maybe line breaks would help the reader follow the flow? And there is some internal rhyme...plenty of it actually. Feels like it just needs a little more form to fly. |
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Re: born
(User Rating: 1 )
by Feelin_Like_A_SadFellow on
Thursday, 29th May 2003 @ 07:49:11 PM AEST
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i have to agree with the last comment... not rhyming is fine i prefer no rhyme scheme... but the form needs work... some line spacing would help the readers... poetry is usually meant to be easy to read... this is just one blob... work a little harder on form and the poem would be better
-Honest Sid |
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Re: born
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Friday, 30th May 2003 @ 08:27:38 AM AEST
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I really liked this work but it was quite hard going to read. Maybe some more line breaks or something. Just to make it a little easier on the eye.....?
sleepless_siren |
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