|
 Menu
|
|
|
|
|
Social
|
|
|
|
|
The paths we choose (FIXED)
Contributed by
nirvana12
on
Friday, 8th January 2016 @ 11:13:42 PM in AEST
Topic:
Lifepoems
|
Youre words were like venom that entered my veins & my fingers curled up & I felt all the pain that came with that speech, that came with my birth & maybe Im crazy but whats this all worth? I dont think its worth much if any at all "here son, take a penny" & then Ill take a fall & where else could I go, I saw no other path. Ive created this darkness, Ive created my wrath & now I just wander, no clue what to do yet Ive made it this far just walking in glue. Lets face it were crazy were all living lies, sanity eludes us until the day we die & the day of my death I look forward to it, with a welcome embrace and a passionate kiss & the day that I die will be the day that I live, Ive lived alone now & Ill live alone then & Im living this life & Im walking alone, a solitary path on the way home. All the footprints are mine no one carries me I chose my own path & it led to a key but the key was outside the cage I was locked in, I weepingly stared & dove into sin & the sin lead to chains & the chains were my fate & Ill eat thru them & break out of this gate. I begin to chew & I feel the pain rushing from my teeth on into my brain & my toes & my head it just all feels the same, I cant feel a thing and I am to blame but the future is now & the future was then & where will I go, I think with a grin & I think this time Ill choose the brighter path & Ill keep on walking & maybe Ill laugh & maybe this time I will bring map & I think I found it, the greener grass & paradise was lost but now is found. So lets all keep walking keep trudging along & well see the dark days but then well see the sun
Copyright ©
nirvana12
... [
2016-01-08 23:13:42]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
Advertisments:
|
|
|
|
|
|
Sorry, comments are no longer allowed for anonymous, please register for a free membership to access this feature and more
|
|
All comments are owned by the poster. Your Poetry
Dot Com is not responsible for the content of any
comment.
That said, if you find an offensive comment, please
contact via the FeedBack Form with details, including poem title
etc.
|
|
|
Re: The paths we choose (FIXED)
(User Rating: 1 )
by xHeathenx on
Wednesday, 13th January 2016 @ 11:17:08 AM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
Without separating the lines by entering or making stanzas in a traditional form, it makes it a bit hard to really work with //at first//, but still I enjoyed this. The rhythm made it like spoken word, or a slow and enjoyably rhythmic rap of sorts. My absolute favorite part about it is when you do what you did with "now and then" in it. For some reason those make it hit so much harder and feel so much deeper.
Oh, one thing to offer if you wouldn/'/t mind constructive criticism, would be to be a bit more hesitant on the ands/&s, because //if// the rhythm I managed to find was the proper intended one, some of the &s caused a bit of a run-on and threw the rhythm off, unless read while ignoring them, which is what I did at times, but to do that feels like it/'/s taking a painting, and painting over what I don/'/t like. It feels disingenuous of me.
Also, as much as I like this, I/'/m still lost with the mystery of your story. If you would care to send a message, I/'/d be interested in hearing it. :)
-Mark |
|
|
|
· 
Poetry
Community
Members
Areas
Reference
Search
Top
Others
