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A Cloudy Day
Contributed by
xHeathenx
on
Friday, 1st April 2016 @ 06:40:16 AM in AEST
Topic:
dedicatedpoems
|
The sun was shining bright, and had, illuminate my days
When out came the clouds, to soak up all the rays
Out in the flowers, I stopped my joyful pace
I made my way inside, with worry about my face
My joints had ached, and I felt some creeping pain,
But I would never be, scampered by some thought of rain
And even if the clouds had sought, to steal the glowing sun away,
I can close my eyes and smile, and embody each and every ray
Copyright ©
xHeathenx
... [
2016-04-01 06:40:16]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: A Cloudy Day
(User Rating: 1 )
by Invierno on
Saturday, 9th April 2016 @ 05:52:43 AM AEST
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a Message)
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Hi X. I like the positive tone. Nice ending. Is the poem dedicated to the sun?
I think this little roadster needs a trip to the mechanic for a tune up.
1S L1 ..and had? not sure here
L2 no comma needed. disrupts flow schematic
L3 no comma needed. /'/joyful/'/....really? I would fetch a new adjective.
L4 needs to be smoothed from L3. Do you see your face in a mobile mirror? Poetry is emotion...what goes on /'//'/inside/'//'/. Anyone can write of a worried face. Grow wings and fly to untrammeled descriptions.
S2 Really nice concepts, but commas everywhere and needs to be smoothed out and have some adjectives replaced that capture the nuance of the moment. Every single word is precious in a poem; leave the /'/the/'/s/'/ and /'/ands/'/ and mundane adjectives to those not enamored of the power of poetry, and I know damn sure YOU are.
In spite of the critique, I like this, Mark. If I didn/'/t, do you think I would spend ten minutes tapping this to you?
Mike |
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Re: A Cloudy Day
(User Rating: 1 )
by irisblue on
Tuesday, 26th April 2016 @ 12:15:45 AM AEST
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Mark,
You are the most selfless, talented and gifted poet I know!!!!! The beauty and wisdom in your work is far ahead of your your years. I absolutely love this sweet Mark!!!!! God bless dear poet,
Irisblue |
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