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...Slipping Farther...
Contributed by
deadly_blaZe
on
Monday, 14th July 2003 @ 10:05:00 PM in AEST
Topic:
Grief
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I dont really remember what happened,
But I know you were there.
It was nighttime and there werent very many stars out
I was able to see the sky through a hole in the bag.
It was after the party,
All my friends had already gone home.
Ill always remember how I blew out all 6 candles by myself,
I think I made you proud.
I love to make you proud.
Im really sorry Im so clumsy,
I cant seem to do anything right.
I didnt mean to get your clothes dirty
Sodas spill themselves sometimes.
I didnt mean to drop your picture,
The one of you and daddy.
I remember when we use to be a family
How long has it been since hes visited us?
Im sorry for calling the picture to your attention,
I know you dont like being reminded of how life was.
Please stop crying.
I should have been more careful.
You shouldnt have hit me so hard,
There was blood on my new dress.
My mouth really hurts too
And the second hit was worse than the first.
I told you to stop, but I guess you coudlnt hear me over my sobs.
I wasnt sure what to do I coudlnt have moved if I tried.
When you put that bag over my head
I thought it was an accident,
Or maybe you just wanted me to stop crying
you had other plans
I dont remember what happened next,
I must have fallen asleep or something
Because I remember closing my eyes and seeing nothing.
When I opened them again here I was.
I tried to remember what happened
My hands and feet are tied and my body is sore all over
How could I have forgotten?
I dont like the look on your face ,
You really shouldnt be the one upset.
Why are you taking me to that tree?
I dont understand any of this!
Please stop wrapping my jumprope around my neck
And please stop saying your sorry!
After all, Im the one who broke the picture
And reminded you of daddy
Im trying really hard to think like a grownup
And figure out whats happening.
Goodbye? Why are you saying goodbye?
I still cant move so I cant go anywhere.
Does this mean your leaving!? Take me with you
I wish I understood
Stop saying your sorry! Stop it!
Tell me whats happening!
Give me a hug sweetie
Thats much better mommy
You always give the best hugs.
I love how you lift me up and hold me high.
Stop playing with the ropes,
Untie me and lets go home.
I dont like this game anymore
Why are you letting me go mommy?
You cant feel it, but I can, and when you bring me lower the rope gets tighter
Its to tight, I can barely breathe now
You arms are barely supporting me now.
I can see your arms lowering me closer to the ground.
Im starting to understand
I look at your tear streaked smile and Im beginning to understand.
I guess this is Goodbye mommy.
You knew you were hurting me all along
I guess this is Goodbye, Im sorry I was such a trouble
I can barely see you now
I guess this is GoodbyeGoodbye Mommy
Copyright ©
deadly_blaZe
... [
2003-07-14 22:05:00]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: ...Slipping Farther...
(User Rating: 1 )
by wild_heart_of_fire on
Monday, 14th July 2003 @ 10:52:00 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
oh my goodness...wow. this is extremely sad. this was sooooo captivating and so descriptive. it was like i was watching a scene from a movie. it brought tears to my eyes. wonderful wonderful write. simply amazing.
Always,
~*riki lynn*~ |
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Re: ...Slipping Farther...
(User Rating: 1 )
by ericool_dude on
Monday, 14th July 2003 @ 11:28:19 PM AEST
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a Message)
|
Nicely written, you sure captured the mood, even if it was a bit disturbing. I am also not sure why it is in the religious topic, though it really does not matter. Also, might I suggest a little change to this stanza, though it was nicely done.
"That’s much better mommy
You always give the best hugs.
I love how you lift me up and hold me high.
Stop playing with the ropes,
Untie me and lets go home.
I don’t like this game anymore
Why are you letting me go mommy?
You cant feel it, but I can, and when you bring me lower the rope gets tighter
It’s to tight, I can barely breathe now
You arms are barely supporting me now.
I can see your arms lowering me closer to the ground."
I would love to see more of a flashback. More like "I love how you used to lift me up and hold me high. But now I am slipping through your caress." Something to that effect. Just a small change. Also, maybe use slipping in a reference to how the child is not only slipping into the noose but slipping from Mother.
Keep up the good work!
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Re: ...Slipping Farther...
(User Rating: 1 )
by Ilhar on
Tuesday, 15th July 2003 @ 12:23:18 AM AEST
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a Message)
|
a good write but disturbing indeed.
Shari |
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Re: ...Slipping Farther...
(User Rating: 1 )
by Cancer on
Sunday, 16th November 2003 @ 11:48:58 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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that was gravy. very deep and emotional. a dark ride towards a dead end. keep it up.
51 |
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