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Suicidal Dreams
Contributed by
lostforgood
on
Wednesday, 20th August 2003 @ 06:45:00 AM in AEST
Topic:
Suicide
|
I cannot take this anymore
I'm bogged down with secrets
So many memories that bother me
The bad ones are scary
And the good ones will never be again
I've tried so hard to be strong and hold on
But I've been slipping farther down all along
This wolrd makes me sick
And I want to move on
To something new and better
But I just can't seem to let go
I'm sitting in the rain
Wishing things away
But as usual, I don't get my way
I'm tired of crying tears
That no one else can see
I'm sick of having fears
Of what the next day will bring
I've lost count of how many times
I've cut and watched myself bleed
And I've given up hope
Almost entirely
The truth is I am worthless
I keep making wishes
That will never be
Each day my pains grow stronger
Making it harder to make people think
That I am really quite happy
I know deep down that everyone is disgusted
In my pathetic self
I really think it's time to leave...
I can't go on anymore
I think I've suffered long enough
I can never win the battles inside
The darkness always wins as the happiness dies
Fat is who I've become
And I can't tkae it anymore
Each bite of food makes me feel worse than before
I wish you all would see
That anorexia is a part of me
Yes, that's right, I am an ana-wanna-be
Food is disgusting
It ruins your body
Fat is demoralising
And makes you ugly
I hate that I can 'pinch an inch'
And can't fit in a size 3
I shame myself when I walk by a mirror
I just want to be thin and pretty
I like feeling hungry
And I like going days without eating
I never regret it
I want to be an anorexic beauty
Why can't any of you understand me?
You always have to make me eat
And then I have to purge it
Just leave me be
And I'm so ashamed of what happened
I think back to the night of that party
And remember those things he whispered
I can still feel his hands all over me
Saying softly to be calm, that everything's okay
He took advantage of me
He wouldn't stop groping me
I tried to stop him
But I was just to weak
He knew I was vulnerable
That sick freak
Now I can't be touched without cringing
I tremble at every look
See what you done to me?
And how many times have I ODed?
Not enough, because I am still alive
I never seem to fall into that endless sleep
I always have to wake up
What is wrong with me?
I've tried all that I can think of
Except taking them all
Do I have the guts to do that?
Stupid tylenol doesn't work at all
I even took more than half a bottle of cough syrup
I made sure to drink it gone
Last week I drank a glass of bacardi
With some pills on the side
I got really sick
But I am still here aren't I!?
Maybe tonight I'll try one more time
I know there are bottoles of tylenol and exedrin inside
I can't take it, I just need to die
This is it, this is the night
That I will take all I can
And lay down to eternal sleep
For in that sleep of death
What dreams may come!
Now what about that guy?
He stole my heart from me
And I'm not sure how or why
I thought that I could trust him
But I see that I was wrong
I don't know why I thought
this time would be any different
I cannot trust anyone
Maybe some more than others
But fully, I dare not
Before I was so lost
But at least I had my heart
Now everything is gone
And I am even more lost without him
That I was at the start
Is this all his fault that I feel so hurt?
No, of course not, that would be absurd
This is my fault just as everything always is
I'm watching the rain now
In the sunroom that we have
It's sliding down the window pains
Pooling on the ground
I love the flashes of lightning
And that clap of thunder that follows
Sometimes that's what I feel like is inside of me
A neverending thunderstorm
Maybe that's why I'm constantly crying
And things seem so dark
Oh what am I to do?
Sit here forever and write by myself
As I wish for things to get better
How many times can I lie to myself
About things getting brighter
I am losing it
I can't hold on much longer
I have to do something soon
Before I lose that last bit of faith
In myself and this world
That last bit of hope
Is all that's holding me here
Now, I will continue to sit alone
As I write more poems
To fill up my time
Copyright ©
lostforgood
... [
2003-08-20 06:45:00]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Suicidal Dreams
(User Rating: 0 )
by Former_Member on
Sunday, 31st August 2003 @ 09:53:41 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
| your so sad......I feel your pain. |
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