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Fear
Contributed by
bohemian_with_a_pen
on
Thursday, 30th October 2003 @ 10:33:20 PM in AEST
Topic:
Suicide
|
I'm standing on the edge of a cliff
My body's relaxed, not ridged or stiff
The waves crash 50 metres below
I'm mesmerised, I can't turn and go
I put my toes over, I want to be scared
My whole foot is over, still no terror's declared
I jump off the cliff without as much as a care
And soon I'm falling, falling through the cool air
And as the jagged rocks below quickly get near
All of a sudden I start to feel fear
Copyright ©
bohemian_with_a_pen
... [
2003-10-30 22:33:20]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Fear
(User Rating: 1 )
by Undeadsuperstar on
Friday, 31st October 2003 @ 01:06:17 AM AEST
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a Message)
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| okay, first off, the meter of this poem is suberb. Especially when compared to much of the other meandering pap posted on this website. My only complaints are with the two final lines. 'quickly get near' doesn't have the flow that remains consistant through out the rest of the poem. I would suggest using the word 'growing' in front of quickly and eliminating the word 'get.' With the final line, You might want to refrain from 'all of a sudden' and use something a bit more illustrating, also add two or three more syllables to comform the line to the meter of the rest of your poem. I really liked this poem, most of the poems here have so many flaws that there is no where to start with constructive criticism. This one.... wow, a joy to read. |
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Re: Fear
(User Rating: 1 )
by bobotheclown on
Friday, 31st October 2003 @ 01:39:56 AM AEST
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yes this was great I enjoyed this a lot. I love the mood you set into this poem, but I agree with the previous comment change 'all of a sudden' to something more descriptive. Once again a superb write.
Bobo (Joel) |
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Re: Fear
(User Rating: 0 )
by Former_Member on
Friday, 31st October 2003 @ 02:39:01 AM AEST
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| I think that this poem is great and like your others it is rather depressing try to write more happy everyone needs to be happy :-) |
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Re: Fear
(User Rating: 1 )
by blueheart on
Friday, 31st October 2003 @ 09:16:22 AM AEST
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| You really instilled fear in me. |
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Re: Fear
(User Rating: 1 )
by Cobalt on
Friday, 31st October 2003 @ 09:42:39 AM AEST
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| I liked this poem and I thought it worked fine in fact I could see a reason to break rythm if it was intent. Things had changed in perception so I would be able to understand it. Conformity? Hah! Great write though! |
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Re: Fear
(User Rating: 1 )
by Swallow on
Friday, 31st October 2003 @ 01:25:59 PM AEST
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This is fabulous! I think the break in rythm on the last line is brilliant.
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Re: Fear
(User Rating: 1 )
by corrupted_minds on
Tuesday, 17th August 2004 @ 05:54:32 AM AEST
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a Message)
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I think this poem is really well done. THanks for a good write.
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Re: Fear
(User Rating: 1 )
by secretwind on
Saturday, 11th September 2004 @ 06:07:15 AM AEST
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a Message)
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| A CLASSIC.....may I have your autograph? |
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