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No Longer A Child version 2
Contributed by
jacquelynne
on
Tuesday, 25th November 2003 @ 09:43:38 AM in AEST
Topic:
Lifepoems
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I cry these invisible tears and even though you're near I fear you cannot hear that my heart is pained and I'm so ashamed that things have changed life is just not the same because as I've grown older my tears have had no comforting shoulder so my agression is bolder my heart is now colder I am no longer a child I have shed my simplicity while I went through life's little trails I've lost all innocence of a child As a child when I cried somebody always wiped the tears from my eyes now, no matter how you try your love cannot suffice to stop my heart's bleeding sooth the pain that is seething and I know you don't see that inside I am screaming and I cannot shake the fact that I faked when I said my heart didn't break and that I could take the pain I was given when I gave up my innocence we all get that chance cause childhood never lasts
Copyright ©
jacquelynne
... [
2003-11-25 09:43:38] (Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: No Longer A Child version 2
(User Rating: 1 ) by doug on
Wednesday, 26th November 2003 @ 02:43:49 PM AEST (User
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a great poem , i liked it walk in peace and happiness your friend doug |
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Re: No Longer A Child version 2
(User Rating: 1 ) by ladyfawn on
Saturday, 6th December 2003 @ 09:46:04 PM AEST (User
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dearest jacquelynne, makes me think, so much truth here, its like the point where one can look back retro and 'see' again, touched me deep inside somewhere......... thankies:)hugs n' love nessa |
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Re: No Longer A Child version 2
(User Rating: 1 ) by EternitysLyre on
Sunday, 7th December 2003 @ 08:45:54 AM AEST (User
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I figured I'd drop by and leave what's coming to be known as the comment of doom. But anyway!
It's an idea I've written about myself. I quite like the poem, it possesses all the nostalgia and bottled-up self pity I feel for myself on a regular basis.
As a method of improvement:
1. Finesse. Your straightforward terminology doesn't make it any more powerful as it's a bit overused. Try to sound more elegant,or at least. You could also turn it into a rap song.
2. My eyes sort of lose themselves in the poem. Stanas! The last thing you want is a disoriented reader; for you, it won't make a difference, but others won't be able to appreciate it, and unless your main reason of posting is so that you don't lose them (like me), you should try to keep them more accessible.
Well, that's about all the bad things i can say about the poem. It's pretty good. I mean, the only poems i read that are better than the ones i comment on are all from Cora_Windover.
I hope I help you instead of discouraging you.
"One will find the finest cures are the hardest to endure, in bitter, vile spite."
The Palatine Poet. |
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