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FOREVER
Contributed by
harshreality
on
Tuesday, 25th November 2003 @ 11:48:15 PM in AEST
Topic:
LovePoetry
|
Let's lose ourselves in love,
And forget about the past...
No worries, not tears, no regrets;
We'll build a bond that will last.
There may be trials and tribulations,
But you and I will make it through;
We can't go wrong...
With friendship as our foundation.
One day we'll reminisce over all our wonderful
Memories,
And the beautiful love that grew.
We'll give those who doubted...
An understanding of forever,
They'll realize all the endless possibilities;
Each time they see us together.
Heaven on earth, or so it seems,
We'll be a constant reminder -
Never to give up hope...
Some people really do live out their dreams
Copyright ©
harshreality
... [
2003-11-25 23:48:15]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: FOREVER
(User Rating: 1 )
by MoonlitAngel on
Wednesday, 26th November 2003 @ 03:26:44 AM AEST
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a Message)
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I knew a couple like that once. Not sure why, since I never knew either of them very well, but every time I saw them together, it inspired me and gave me hope. Strange how people can impact someone like that and never ever know.
Great write!
~ Moonlit |
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Re: FOREVER
(User Rating: 1 )
by doug on
Wednesday, 26th November 2003 @ 02:27:57 PM AEST
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| this was a great poem and i hope you live out your dreams , walk in peace and happiness your friend doug |
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Re: FOREVER
(User Rating: 1 )
by Wrybod on
Sunday, 30th November 2003 @ 07:43:19 PM AEST
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Enjoyed this
We are comming up to our 50 th wedding anniversary next February.
bob |
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Re: FOREVER
(User Rating: 1 )
by ladyfawn on
Friday, 5th December 2003 @ 03:18:21 PM AEST
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| yessss! so true! lovely poem:) hugs n' love nessa |
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Re: FOREVER
(User Rating: 1 )
by EternitysLyre on
Saturday, 6th December 2003 @ 08:05:11 AM AEST
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Well, since you asked for it, here I am, to hose down all of that nice nice morale-boosting fun.
First off: Not a bad poem. I don't want you feeling two bad when all I'm trying to do is point out what could be done to make it even better. The meaning is there, and the emotion is beautiful. The inspiration behind it must've been pretty good as wel--I've seen meaningless poems before, but i don't comment on them.
Now, on to the not-so-good news: It rhymes. Make it look like it does. The stanzas of the poem appear random, if not arbritrary. Your seeming emphasis on memories doesn't add much, and actually somewhat disconnects the flow.
Also, your rythm is difficult to follow in certain stages of the poem. Your rhyme scheme (assuming you have one) changes so often it's a surprise when lines do rhyme.
for example, in rythm:
"We'll build a bond that will last."
"We'll build a bond that lasts" would better fit in terms of rythm.
"There may be trials and tribulations,
But you and I will make it through;
We can't go wrong...
With friendship as our foundation."
The first two lines dictate a very strict rythm, which does not seem to be followed in the latter portion.
Not to mention, after that, you just lose the rythm.
Don't worry, it's not BAD. But i say you could polish it a bit. |
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Re: FOREVER
(User Rating: 1 )
by Cobalt on
Saturday, 6th December 2003 @ 12:41:59 PM AEST
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| Eternity's lyre didn't even spell his/her words right ignore them. I liked it and I prefer the line the way it is. I usually assume there is a reason a poet will use the wording they do. It is how it came from them therefore is completely right. I liked it and the message. |
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