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Re-Outlined
Contributed by
sindi-selde
on
Sunday, 30th November 2003 @ 09:30:17 PM in AEST
Topic:
SadPoetry
|
You used to run and laugh and care.
You are nothing but an outline now.
A hollow voice with an edge of despair.
You are nothing but an outline now.
We reach our hands out to hug,
You break them with your callus words.
You are nothing but an outline now.
You live your world in black and black.
A single shade unerring.
You are nothing but an outline now.
So many colors in the box,
You can only find the one.
You are nothing but an outline now.
Ah, but you dream in vivid color.
Reds and greens and blues.
You are nothing but an outline now.
Worshiping white in your wildest dreams,
Sacrifieced by day at the altar of black.
You are nothing but an outline now.
You are nothing but an outline now.
You are nothing but an outline now.
You are nothing but an outline now.
Copyright ©
sindi-selde
... [
2003-11-30 21:30:17]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Re-Outlined
(User Rating: 1 )
by Daniela_Maria_Violin on
Sunday, 30th November 2003 @ 10:39:42 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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| good job guys... I like this. Could be a song! |
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Re: Re-Outlined
(User Rating: 1 )
by ArdRi79 on
Monday, 1st December 2003 @ 03:37:57 AM AEST
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a Message)
|
This reads better and I can really feel the force of two people in it,
"So many colors in the box,
You can only find the one."
does work better but I think it lost some of the heart of outline
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Re: Re-Outlined
(User Rating: 1 )
by Cobalt on
Monday, 1st December 2003 @ 11:06:58 AM AEST
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a Message)
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| Yeah, this is much much better. It doesn't look forced even though I can mostly remember the first one. Still flows nicely and I liked it overall. |
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Re: Re-Outlined
(User Rating: 1 )
by Wrybod on
Monday, 1st December 2003 @ 02:21:54 PM AEST
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a Message)
|
Callous or do you really mean callus.(line 6)
Nice use of repetition to show contempt.
bob |
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