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Within
Contributed by
Vitreous_Soul
on
Tuesday, 16th December 2003 @ 06:41:13 AM in AEST
Topic:
DarkPoetry
|
So you think you understand the flow of time
And believe you've solved the riddle of the rhyme
So you think you know what makes the bell chime
And what separates the right from the crime
Do you know about the demon named fate
Or that your life is the hell he creates
So turn back now before it's too late
I invite you in, beyond my rusted gate
Follow me, so you can see
Let's look deeply in my gallery
Darkness falls, roams the halls
Just hold my hand, you'll understand
Walk this hall of horrors, it's all true
Things of love and beauty are far and few
Traverse this shrine of suicide, all there is to do
Dark murals drag out the evil inside you
Paintings too disturbing to give a second look
Scriptures detailing the hell that he took
Cracks in the floor, where the very foundation shook
In the center, dried with blood, laid the final page of the book
Please accept my invitation to walk within
I welcome you to bear witness to my sin
Follow me, so you can see
Let's look deeply in my gallery
Know why I do what I do
While the marble statue stares right at you
Follow me, so you can see
Maybe tell me why i'm so empty
No door at the end of this tour
This corridor can go on no more
Copyright ©
Vitreous_Soul
... [
2003-12-16 06:41:13]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Within
(User Rating: 1 )
by venkat on
Tuesday, 16th December 2003 @ 06:49:35 AM AEST
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| Wow... great write....venkat |
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Re: Within
(User Rating: 1 )
by Redlantern2051 on
Tuesday, 16th December 2003 @ 07:57:12 AM AEST
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| Cool stuff, I really like this one, especially from around the second half-the first couple of stanzas have a sing-song ryhme about them which is very nice, but I really like the second half when it gets darker+++good stuff+++ |
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Re: Within
(User Rating: 1 )
by EternitysLyre on
Tuesday, 16th December 2003 @ 08:14:40 AM AEST
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This is an outstanding acheivement. The rhyme caught my eye, and I found myself glued to the screen until the finish. The way you avoid repetitive stanzas and switch the content within lines is exceedingly compelling to read.
constructive criticism:
Ask me in pm if you actually DO want help--I doubt you'd want it from me.
"Bringing down his golden crown the king did quickly vanish;
Ringing round in simple sounds and laughing at the Spanish."
~The (not currently sane) Poet. |
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Re: Within
(User Rating: 1 )
by Kie on
Tuesday, 16th December 2003 @ 08:50:49 AM AEST
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Oh my this came from deep inside. I was and am so touched by reading this. When something is written from our core whether it be in a letter, a poem whatever it hits me straight in my heart. Your work accomplishes this very well.
I think you have done yet another excellent job of taking me to where you are.
Kie |
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Re: Within
(User Rating: 1 )
by blueheart on
Tuesday, 16th December 2003 @ 09:29:08 AM AEST
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| Well written. |
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Re: Within
(User Rating: 1 )
by lovingcritters on
Tuesday, 16th December 2003 @ 11:55:23 AM AEST
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Dear VS, this was marvelous....better send this one along as well!
Very good poem
ConSue |
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Re: Within
(User Rating: 1 )
by saddarkgirlreingsthenight on
Tuesday, 16th December 2003 @ 03:18:23 PM AEST
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| this is a really awesome write. this hits write in my heart. u have found a great talent by writing. i have very deep thoughts like this but i can't find the right words to write them down with. i love this rite. |
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Re: Within
(User Rating: 1 )
by SkYYBLu on
Tuesday, 16th December 2003 @ 04:03:16 PM AEST
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VERY COOL!!
I think I know what this is about. Wanting to tell someone of your hurt, all of your hurt, but you refrain, then regret it later. That's what this poem reminded me of, supressed emotions that you refuse to let go of. VERY COOL!! Keep writing! :) |
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Re: Within
(User Rating: 1 )
by jaeann on
Wednesday, 17th December 2003 @ 05:56:55 AM AEST
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WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!
scriptures detailing the hell that he took.......yes!!!! |
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Re: Within
(User Rating: 1 )
by MissLee on
Wednesday, 17th December 2003 @ 11:59:24 AM AEST
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| WOW, that wa sreally good, I can relate very much so. This kind of thing comes in my dreams all the time, good write. |
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Re: Within
(User Rating: 1 )
by dena on
Friday, 19th December 2003 @ 02:51:59 PM AEST
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| wonderful! i love it u have a really good talent..... it hits me in the heart and its just wonderful |
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Re: Within
(User Rating: 1 )
by ladyfawn on
Friday, 19th December 2003 @ 02:59:22 PM AEST
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| an excellent dark write, very interesting:) hugs n' love nessa |
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Re: Within
(User Rating: 1 )
by Eve on
Friday, 19th December 2003 @ 05:56:42 PM AEST
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Quite obviously, I'm not the only or first one to love this. Beautiful poem.
Keep writing or else,
-Eve. |
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Re: Within
(User Rating: 1 )
by forever_lonely on
Monday, 19th January 2004 @ 11:47:21 AM AEST
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V.s
MY GOD!!
What did i do wrong to miss this when i was looking through your writes, i must have been blind! this is by far my favorite piece ever written by you, if we are on the same page then this is where the book starts because this is amazing it really is, i love the rhyming it scheme it sings sorrowful silence born of sin to my heart, your choice of words brings emotions and imagery to the gallery that we walk through, please keep writing because we all want to hear(or read) truely amazing...
Luke |
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