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Who says you go to hell if you commit suicide?
Contributed by
mercedes
on
Thursday, 8th January 2004 @ 11:30:48 AM in AEST
Topic:
SadPoetry
|
The wind is blowing strong and hard
Yet no breeze touches my skin
The rain is falling fast and steady
Yet I stand here, no moisture within
People all around, bustling about
Yet no one can see me
I call out to them, arms outstretched
Yet no one seems to hear me
The sun comes out, shines brightly all around
Yet still in shadow I stand
I never knew I could feel so alone
Yet with my own hand, here I stand
I thought if I slit my wrists all would be well
Yet I was turned down by heaven and hell
Seems no one cares I am dead and gone
Yet its a loss I feel
Now I cut myself again just to feel something
Yet I have no more blood to give
Slash and cut, desperate I am
Yet no pain I can feel
I would cry, release this pressure deep inside
Yet no tears are to be found
Everyone said I would go to hell
Yet even there I am no longer welcome
Copyright ©
mercedes
... [
2004-01-08 11:30:48]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Who says you go to hell if you commit suicide?
(User Rating: 1 )
by dudleysgirl on
Thursday, 8th January 2004 @ 11:52:19 AM AEST
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| mercedes, hi. Well, you were certainly right to post this in sad poems. So tragic. I don't know if we're supposed to critique poetry here or just comment, but I would like to offer some of both. I hope you won't take offense. I think you have a heart-wrenching subject to tell about here. There is a message to give. With a little tweaking, this will be a beautiful poem even with all the sadness. My feeling is that your thoughts need to be tightened up a bit. It's a little loose and rambling in places. L12 - I think should be "Yet (by) my own hand, here I stand." That is, if I'm reading your intent correctly. Trimming excess words might give it more impact. I don't know. Just my opinion. Anyway, this is very moving and thought provoking. And I'm no expert on poetry, so take this with a grain of salt and keep writing. I think you have something important to say. :) |
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Re: Who says you go to hell if you commit suicide?
(User Rating: 1 )
by Cobalt on
Thursday, 8th January 2004 @ 12:00:45 PM AEST
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| I thought it was good and because of the emotion it matched the 'looseness' of the poem. I thought it was good. |
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Re: Who says you go to hell if you commit suicide?
(User Rating: 1 )
by alecfernadez on
Thursday, 8th January 2004 @ 12:38:32 PM AEST
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| dont you just hate it when people pin-point small grammatical mistakes in an emotional poem? A great write, filled with emotion |
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Re: Who says you go to hell if you commit suicide?
(User Rating: 1 )
by Necromant on
Thursday, 8th January 2004 @ 01:01:12 PM AEST
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| Amazing, wonderfully written filled with strong emotions. |
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Re: Who says you go to hell if you commit suicide?
(User Rating: 1 )
by Live2Die on
Sunday, 28th November 2004 @ 04:41:48 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| Wowzeers. Amzingly written...great poem. It expresses alot. Great write. |
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