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Protection
Contributed by
stormi
on
Sunday, 11th April 2004 @ 07:25:18 AM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
I wish I could take away all your pain
wish I could hide your tears like the rain
I wish I could take away all your fears
to help you, protect you & dry your tears
I'd take on everything, just for you
if only it would help you through
I wish I could take you far away
to keep you from the pain of day
I wish you would know how much I care
so if things got too hard, you'd know I'm there
& I wish for once, just once you'd see
just how much you mean to me ..
Copyright ©
stormi
... [
2004-04-11 07:25:18]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Protection
(User Rating: 1 )
by Thivanka on
Sunday, 11th April 2004 @ 08:21:47 AM AEST
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It is good, honestly. I enjoyed the rhyming flow to it. I'll give you three out of five.
-Thivanka |
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Re: Protection
(User Rating: 1 )
by Jellybellyprincess on
Sunday, 11th April 2004 @ 09:22:00 AM AEST
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Secret love? eh?
i could get a definite sense of the relationship, but a little blurred. Which is nice to have sometimes..... just a nice broad view.
I really like this one. Honestly.
There are a few things to pick up here and there, like using the word tears too much, and trivial crap like that. But nothing important-- just stupid stuff that I ramble about =) lol
Honestly now--- a fine work of art.
God bless (and happy Easter!),
Ellen |
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Re: Protection
(User Rating: 1 )
by silent on
Sunday, 11th April 2004 @ 09:50:44 AM AEST
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Well okay then, the second line only my opinion with the word "the" in it detracts a fraction, maybe wish is used too much throughout, and tears saying it twice doesn't quite flow correctly in my opinion. "I'd take on everything, just for you
if only it would help you through", doesn't flow as well as it could. and in general the flow gets going then because the lines are not quite in sync it loses it again.
But that being said, it's only my opinion, there are a couple of other things, but that is being perfectionistic, i hate criticising poetry like this, because this is how you feel, if it is perfection in writing you seek you shall never find it, as no-one ever will, it all comes down to taste. If it is to make you a better writer then fair enough if you want your writes to be scrutinised (spelling) to the very utmost. I really liked it for what it was, a very heartfelt write. I honestly would give you 3 stars for this. Sorry if this offended you, my writing i could pick to pieces forever but i don't bother, it's how i feel and i wish it to be like that.
Anyway well written,
Silent
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