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Rock & a Hard Place
Contributed by
spike
on
Sunday, 23rd May 2004 @ 04:37:09 AM in AEST
Topic:
ambiguous
|
The journey we took was overlong,
and the kids you know, werent very strong
they were first to fall to the heat's embrace,
between a rock and a hard place.
We were going in circles but I was hell bent,
to stay on the path and not relent
Come on! I said, Pick up the pace!
were between a rock and a hard place.
When we finally realised where we were,
back where we started but worse for wear
you should have seen the look on my face,
there between a rock and a hard place.
I fell to my knees and cursed the sky,
all I wanted to know was why
but the angels must have spared their grace,
between a rock and a hard place.
So there was no choice but to hit the track,
knowing it would eventually bring us back
back to the truths we have to face,
between a rock and a hard place.
Copyright ©
spike
... [
2004-05-23 04:37:09]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Rock & a Hard Place
(User Rating: 1 )
by TalonionPoet on
Sunday, 23rd May 2004 @ 04:54:39 AM AEST
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I'm sorry, but I couldn't help but smile while reading as the "family trip". 'Specially:
"You should have seen the look on her face,
There between a rock and a hard place."
Anyway, the rhyming went well and the rhythm never got awkward. And even though the family trip thing made me smile, I much more easily see it as an inner struggle with oneself. The dialouge, when read this way, makes it seem like the person is pushing him/herself to try harder then you might be willing to.
Anyway, I likes. :) |
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Re: Rock & a Hard Place
(User Rating: 1 )
by Jackee_line on
Sunday, 23rd May 2004 @ 05:56:15 AM AEST
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| Well done, nice flow to your poem, I enjoyed it very much. |
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Re: Rock & a Hard Place
(User Rating: 1 )
by Silent-No-More on
Sunday, 23rd May 2004 @ 08:45:36 AM AEST
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This is a terrific "make you think" poem.... I've read it over a few times and each time noticed something different and/or thought something new about it. I like it very much.
Couple thoughts... (hope you don't mind!). You're rhyming "pace" in each verse but the first. I struggled to get comfortable with the first verse... "thirst" felt a bit awkward and saying the kids "weren't strong" seemed... I don't know - blunt, I guess. I couldn't come up with another "ace" ending for you - but thought maybe a "aste" would create a better flow... such as:
The journey we took was overlong
And the kids tried so hard to be strong
But they fell to the heat, began to waste
Between a rock and a hard place
Just ignore me if you weren't looking for suggestions! I don't mean to be sticking my nose in if it's not wanted. I did enjoy this and will be re-reading now and again. Nice write! |
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Re: Rock & a Hard Place
(User Rating: 1 )
by DreamWeaver on
Monday, 24th May 2004 @ 04:44:36 AM AEST
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| Great write, and if it is written with a metaphor in mind, well done ... I enjoyed this immensely ... Jan |
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Re: Rock & a Hard Place
(User Rating: 1 )
by Avarice_Riot on
Sunday, 30th May 2004 @ 02:58:38 AM AEST
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| This kind of hits a little too close for home. Great poem. Btw, I'm sorry I haven't been commenting on your poems lately, my Internet connection's being a demon. I have really missed reading your stuff. |
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Re: Rock & a Hard Place
(User Rating: 1 )
by evilfairy on
Tuesday, 1st June 2004 @ 01:49:00 AM AEST
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| I liked your poem - but i think it's something i want to think on a bit more to understand what it means to me... :) |
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