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Phase III: Waiting
Contributed by
IndiraDesha
on
Tuesday, 25th May 2004 @ 11:36:44 AM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
I am the kind who
Sits-
Writhing with anticipation,
Patiently, I disguise.
Hope jumps into my throat,
I swallow it down because it's not you.
One by two by three and more,
The flood gates to neuroses
Are knocked down by my
unfounded hypothesis.
Hypothetically, who knows
what you are doing.
I am sitting alone.
Copyright ©
IndiraDesha
... [
2004-05-25 11:36:44]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Phase III: Waiting
(User Rating: 1 )
by Troubadour on
Tuesday, 25th May 2004 @ 12:17:01 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| This is good, i like how you use kind of big words, but make them more understandable at the same time |
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Re: Phase III: Waiting
(User Rating: 1 )
by Cole on
Thursday, 17th June 2004 @ 10:41:23 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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This was a beautiful sereis, though the second one was slightly confusing. I thought you intended to make it like that, but if you didn't, you should look into revising it. Though, in my opinion, it works better, giving it a confused and unsure sort of tone. If that's what you were going for, you did an excellent job!
Since I critiqued your work, I'd love to have you critique mine. |
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