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Untitled
Contributed by
CeruleanScreams
on
Thursday, 27th May 2004 @ 03:55:02 PM in AEST
Topic:
DarkPoetry
|
I'm trying to keep from crying,
Because this room is like a tomb,
And the sands of time
are running through my fingers...
This facade makes me seem fine,
but i'm wishing childish dreams still lingered.
Clasping my pallid knees close to me,
Pondering the meaning of being free,
High in that cerulean sky,
Somewhere
Is there an omniscient someone
Dominating over these firing guns?
Decreeing the penalty of death,
Taking that precious breath
Of Life.
Thus doubly adding to and ending the strife
Of ill-begotten dreams--
Hear the screams?
Copyright ©
CeruleanScreams
... [
2004-05-27 15:55:02]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Untitled
(User Rating: 1 )
by aernby on
Saturday, 19th June 2004 @ 10:11:28 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
This one leaves me cold. There is no image nor turn of phrase that grabs me, an screams in my face,"Listen up! This Is Important!"
Indeed what you have to say IS important This particular expression of it is not.
tip- rewrite in the third person using a different point of view. par example the "omniscient someone", or the dreamer of the ill-begotten dreams ...
keep writing
aern+
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Re: Untitled
(User Rating: 1 )
by Essentially9 on
Thursday, 24th June 2004 @ 10:48:25 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| excellent write. |
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