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The Voyager
Contributed by
burnside
on
Sunday, 6th June 2004 @ 10:29:15 AM in AEST
Topic:
fantasy
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The Voyager
my hand shakes like an hourglass
in a time machine I swirl
the twisted metal cringes
and stops the delay from sight
stepping from the wreckage
blindness gives me direction
no fountains and no mountains
in coolness and in heat
I long for a retreat
with wisdom and with kindness
no trickling and moral
my sight cannot see
the sandman shakes my hand
and whispers from afar
and heat has made his presence
with smiles and miles again
Hunter Aydelott
Copyright 2004 Hunter Aydelott
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright ©
burnside
... [
2004-06-06 10:29:15]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: The Voyager
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Wednesday, 30th June 2004 @ 03:55:48 AM AEST
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a Message)
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Bizarre poem. I found each line quite disconnected to the next, and couldn't really work out where hands and hourglasses work in this poem.
"no trickling and moral
my sight cannot see "
That confused me.
Keep writing. |
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Re: The Voyager
(User Rating: 1 )
by Stoney1 on
Saturday, 3rd July 2004 @ 07:33:49 AM AEST
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Yes...what can one say. There is no discipline here. At first I thought you'd selected to write in quatrain, but then you shift in and out of it.
Where there are rhyme schemes, they are cockeyed; no discipline. Even the theme is indistinct.
I think you may have a good subject to write about, but you need to figure out what you want to say and how you want to say it.
When I start on a theme which hasn't fully developed in my mind, I like to stick it in a drawer and come back to it a couple of weeks later and do a re-write.
I've gotten some good poems that way. You should try it.
Stoney
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