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soliloquy
Contributed by
ladyfawn
on
Friday, 9th July 2004 @ 09:23:09 PM in AEST
Topic:
Suicide
|
...yeah, i thought i was ready to check out recently, but im not, not quite yet. i still have a few things on my to do list no matter how depressing my life is or has been, actually its going quite well, kiddling and animal wise, but i have been very down, missing my late husband, the only man to ever bring joy to me on a daily continuous basis ever, ever, ever, ...grief is a weird thing, because if you use drugs to make you feel better or get through it at the time of the death; that only temporarily holds off the suffering you must inevitably face at some other later point in life and feel it to the fullest extent, as if new; one must then begin all over again that same starting point in the grief process, i chose not to do that and i am happy today for that decision, ...i have used plenty of drugs in my life; how i became rational and level headed during my lowest darkest time in life; when the drugs were offered to me as i was first raw grieving him is still beyond me, it was not in my nature to say 'thanx but no thanx' a mystery if you will, for i did love drugs in my day, amongst other things, ...where am i? ahh yes, i have been contemplating lately, what is my life's worth, why am i still here? ect.; it would be so easy to check out and not have to deal anymore, i try too damn hard sometimes to be happy to the world when in point of fact inside i am dying, crying, and lying that i am alright, when in truth i am not. for so long alone, i have had to be strong, someone to turn to, a guardian, protector, decision maker, im tired....
what would be the most painless way to go? someone very close and dear to me has decided she has found the perfect way, she won't say what this method is but im sure i disagree, and have a better way, it had me torn up not reaching her on this but i have backed off, i suppose if i were at this moment making plans i wouldn't want to be discovered either, so, i do understand, but as i write this, i feel my heart hurt, because i love this girl as if she were my own daughter, ...are all suicidal people crazy? hell no, for some it is a transition to the next realm of existence, but where will that be? what if there are things we do not see? comprehend? understand? what if we have to come back and do all the rot parts all over again?
felo-de-se is a one way trip...
i refuse to be bullied by certain persons, none in particular, that say they live only to die to go onto a better happier place; not living to their full potential whilst here on this earth, well, do the world a favor and go on then! we are all human, all are all the same in a way, every organized group feels their feelings and beliefs are right and others are not, just like hell's gaters, jim jones ect. so who knows, it could just be a nothingness, a traveling of souls, we don't know, we are still here, if there is a paradise after life i bet all sects and beliefs have separate private non-adjoining rooms, for in truth by knowledge we are all alike which could permanently warp some of those souls, sending them into deranged oblivion, so i do not follow any of the masses, i follow my own heart and soul and although ive made mistakes, they are my mistakes and clever or lame, they are what makes up the me in me,
being i almost seriously died by one of my own personal near death times, by bleeding to death, i would say that i am not now; nor since, afraid to die, leastly not by loss of blood, after having less than half left in me for over a week, i was light headed, could not see correctly; the ends of my eye's sight was dark at the edges; like a camera that you have blown breath upon before you follow through with the picture, i was cold and white as a ghost, not having enough hemaglobin or platelets or whatever they are making you look like that, and you go slightly out of your mind in a delirious blackish void, i remember being in a dreamy-like state of mind, feeling so at peace, wanting to remain, ...i refused transfusions because of all the aids hype in that state of mind i believed with all my soul i could get better by drinking herbal tea, yuesh, i ended up a week later getting the blood i needed, and dave was there with me when they brought it in and hooked me to the iv. ...he said "lunch is here!" well, he knew i loved vampyres and it was so cute, i think that was the first time i laughed that whole week, i really thought i had crossed over several times, felt myself floating away; they say i almost died more than once although i do not remember how many times and i can't ask him as he is not here, i only remember i did have a choice; i could let go and continue to float or go back where the familiar voices were, i was deeply in limbo, ...when my transfusion began, it was amazing, truly amazing, i was in a wheelchair mesmerized watching my arm; my skin went from pure white as snow to some near colour colour, to skintone, it grew more 'real' looking by the minute, and each second i felt stronger, felt my mind coming back, it was really a wonderful experience, not that i recommend nearly hemorrhaging to death to have that kind of high; you'll just have to take my word on that one...
you know, im sitting here and thinking, i've woken up some mornings and seen foals that were born beneath my window, climbed mountains, gone down into caves, given birth, been loved and loved in return with all of heart, soul and mind; had my life threatened on more than one occasion and survived, seen sunrises that made me cry for their beauty, got a tiger to purr for me whilst rubbing his cheeks and back {and his mate growling because he purred for me and ignored her hehe}, lost everything i owned three times over and said, well, hey hey, and rebuilt my life, been rich and poor and learned from both lifestyles, i have crossed oceans, had my hand near bit off from a polarbears mouth {not one of my brightest moments}, and poured myself into my poetry as my contribution to the world, i've walked barefoot along the edges of the grand canyon, and once through a nest of rattlesnakes and was not bitten, and spent so much time with rabbits as a kid i can still wiggle my nose, much to everyone's delight,
all because i lived...
but nothing compares to my kid's love and being in their presence, mare's breath, my dog's smile or fresh cut grass; i still miss dave terribly everyday, dave; the most wildly fun coolest guy in the world, best i will ever know, he was so beautiful in every way, so alive and vibrant, and i hope we all make him proud; me and the kiddlings.....
* *
*|*
Copyright ©
ladyfawn
... [
2004-07-09 21:23:09]
(Date/Time posted on
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Re: soliloquy
(User Rating: 1 )
by RobertKilpatrick on
Friday, 9th July 2004 @ 09:30:32 PM AEST
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| WOH! you have written a book. Is this the first chapter.. what a long one.. took time to read.. it is different.....I wouldnt really call this a poem tho.. but was a good read..... |
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Re: soliloquy
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Friday, 9th July 2004 @ 09:33:35 PM AEST
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I'm sure if she had written a book it would be a best seller. Hon this is lovely and it really reaches the heart. It helps one understand what you are going through.
All my love
- Becca |
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Re: soliloquy
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Friday, 9th July 2004 @ 09:36:07 PM AEST
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Decided to stick around for more, huh? Nessa, you have had me really worried. I am so glad to read this. I know the pain, I know the grief, just not as long as you have, but I do know both guys would be really hacked off to the max if we tried something like that and you know it too.! I am here for you anytime just like I know you are for me. Nessa, girlfriend, we have work still to do. Get off your butt and keep doing it.
Love
Rita |
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Re: soliloquy
(User Rating: 1 )
by Gentledove on
Friday, 9th July 2004 @ 09:49:13 PM AEST
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WOW!!!!A very powerful write. I love how you talked yourself through step by step. I wish you well.
Gentledove |
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Re: soliloquy
(User Rating: 1 )
by Jenni_K on
Friday, 9th July 2004 @ 10:12:01 PM AEST
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Awwww Sweetie....I know how deeply you are hurting....and can only imagine the loss you've felt all these years. I hope that our little talks help you as much as they help me thru my own pain at the moment.
I love you, grrlfriend.....
Huggies
Jenni |
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Re: soliloquy
(User Rating: 1 )
by Archie on
Friday, 9th July 2004 @ 11:12:45 PM AEST
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| This is quite a long write and a very absorbing piece. |
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Re: soliloquy
(User Rating: 1 )
by blueheart on
Saturday, 10th July 2004 @ 02:33:12 AM AEST
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| Wow, Nessa this has to be the longest piece I've read in a while and also the most absorbing and most emotional. I feel your pain and I hope and pray that you will feel less heavy hearted and all the pain will be washed away. Sentimental piece, and truly an unforgetable one. |
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Re: soliloquy
(User Rating: 1 )
by pixie on
Saturday, 10th July 2004 @ 10:43:43 AM AEST
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wow, I am totally amazed by your write,
pixie xx |
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Re: soliloquy
(User Rating: 1 )
by Whisper on
Saturday, 10th July 2004 @ 02:10:43 PM AEST
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Wow Girl. That is some thing .
God Bless you and your choice to remain here with us.
Stay strong .Write
It is a good way to share. Folks like my self have been where you feel you are now.
Peace
Whisper |
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Re: soliloquy
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Saturday, 10th July 2004 @ 03:34:09 PM AEST
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I looked into a window of your world, and saw so much of myself. (minus the polarbears,tigers,rattlesnakes) lol But through your words I saw my life flash in my head as I had so many of these choices in life also. I survived as you,for what reason I'll never be certain, but I continue in hopes that one person can be changed by my sense in wanting to live. No one understrands the realms or planes that we encounter, earthly or heavenly, but I do know....the view looks beautiful from any window. Your beauty shines in your sorrow, and I am with you all the way! Meet you on the astral plane oneday perhaps, and with us, our loves in this world will create peace! An ever present peace!!!
I am with you in spirit and love! Lots of love!!!
Angel always, my friend in spirit...joni |
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Re: soliloquy
(User Rating: 1 )
by emystar on
Saturday, 10th July 2004 @ 09:53:12 PM AEST
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Wow now this is art in it's rarest forms as it comes straite from the heart, soul and spirit.
I know what that peace feels like cause on e of my ex's kept me knocked out on meds three days till he finaally got scared of my dad.
I know I die once as I was going accross this awesomely beautifull feild. My mom was standing with her arms out streahed but when I was about to touch her she dropped her arms and said, "no it's not time yet and then went away jus like that.
I know there is life after death in the spiritual sense.
As u well know I don't do religion but am tottally into God on my own personal level.
Girl this is such a good write even tho we have pain daily.
thank God, my kids, grandkids and global family here, life is worth living.
I'm happy that ur still with us as this place would be so lost without u.
luv u girlfriend,
emy |
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Re: soliloquy
(User Rating: 1 )
by Thunderwolf on
Sunday, 11th July 2004 @ 01:04:30 AM AEST
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I love the format of this write. I'm glad you talked your way through.
Thunderwolf |
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Re: soliloquy
(User Rating: 1 )
by DreamWeaver on
Sunday, 11th July 2004 @ 04:37:26 AM AEST
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| Dear Nessa, I always enjoy reading whatever you write, this one no less ... I read this twice and totally relate and sympathise ... yes, it is the children who hold us together in the end, without them goodness knows where we'd be by now ... I'm sure your Dave would be proud of you and how you've coped under the enormous strain ... hold on and know that one day you'll be with him ... love Jan |
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Re: soliloquy
(User Rating: 1 )
by venkat on
Sunday, 11th July 2004 @ 08:58:35 AM AEST
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| Yes..you are correct..nothing is greater than your minds strength..I appreciate you my friend.. love and hugs.. venkat |
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Re: soliloquy
(User Rating: 1 )
by lovingcritters on
Sunday, 11th July 2004 @ 01:55:34 PM AEST
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Oh Nessa, I'm so sorry, I have a dear friend I've known for over 60 years, and he is an alcholoic......when I get down......I phone him....and this is what he would say to you. "This Pity Pot talk! Get a hold of yourself.
I don't mean to be unkind dear friend....I know what you have been through, but may I may a suggestion to you?
"Those that bring sunshine into the lifes of others cannot keep it from themselves!
Go volunteer, Nessa......you will see so many have it so much worse than you. Each time I go.....I realized just how blessed I truly am...and you will to my dearest friend.
Please.......if you need to be fortified....give me a PM.......I'll give you a swift kick in your
b.............that will send you flying out your front door.........to just anywhere so that you can stop thinking about you!
Love you dearly
consue |
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Re: soliloquy
(User Rating: 1 )
by ladyfawn on
Monday, 12th July 2004 @ 02:05:13 AM AEST
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well, connie, i don't use drugs now so your alcholic friend who would judge me like that is using an easy way out, anyone whos drunk is all knowing; has feelings hidden; that's why i said in this piece i did not do that when dave was killed although it would have been far easier at the time, though later i would have had to face the grief starting from the raw beginning, ..for your information, there is a lady who is almost walking now; i do care about others and spend time with her, she has only one leg, and is in a nursing home, she almost gave up living she is so depressed, and wouldnt give it a go for anyone but me, we are hoping she will return home again, ...maybe you should re-read this, i believe you missed my meaning, i am not having a "pity pot" ...excuse me if i am dealing with something at this time, and sharing it with the world, you dont need to read me if i bother you, ...pain is different to each person, and feelings are not right nor wrong; facts are.
hugs n' love nessa |
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Re: soliloquy
(User Rating: 1 )
by Rakerman1999 on
Wednesday, 14th July 2004 @ 05:42:07 PM AEST
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Sometimes we simply have to get it all off our chests. This did'nt rhyme because it wasnt intended too. It was intended to help the author heal by laying her heart and soul on a page. Occasionally we write, not for acclaim or comments, but for the good of our own souls. This write tells the tale of a woman who has lived through hell and has overcome by shear strength of will, with loads of help from great children. I say bravo to you for the courage to put so personal a write out for us all to see. (( Nessa))
Roses
Larry |
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Re: soliloquy
(User Rating: 1 )
by Merry on
Monday, 19th July 2004 @ 09:57:51 PM AEST
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Nessa - this is truly a wonderful write - getting all of your feelings and thoughts out - maybe helps free up some space on the inside - it's tough carrying around all this pain.
Hugs sis
merry |
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Re: soliloquy
(User Rating: 1 )
by tifrob on
Tuesday, 20th July 2004 @ 12:27:09 AM AEST
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Nessa,
I do believe everything has been said and I can only second each person who wrote you a note. So let me just say, I am truly sorry for your loss and your pain. Your words are touching and felt by the reader, that in itself makes it a wonderful piece of work.
Good luck & God Bless,
J~ |
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Re: soliloquy
(User Rating: 1 )
by colinb on
Monday, 28th July 2014 @ 02:43:57 AM AEST
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| A wonderful write Nessa |
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