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Natures humble servant.
Contributed by
heartfilledblood
on
Monday, 9th August 2004 @ 02:07:29 PM in AEST
Topic:
fantasy
|
A wizard sits at the highest mountain top
His life so peaceful, there no one can bring a harmful bop
He lives in peace with nature in one
Never to be disturbed his reasons on earth none to find fun
His purpose in life may seem like a simple task
Sent down by the god of nature to keep earth intact
For humans for decades unknowing of this
Destroying earth for they to turn there homes into the abyss
Cutting the trees to make to many homes
Blowing holes in mountains use the concrete for domes
Throwing there armor, useless cannons to the water
Enemies Burning each others crop fields yet theres never a bother
For each time the earth is harmed
The wizard to use his magic all to witch he is armed
To regrow the trees, the burnt out crops
To refill the holes of the mountains, hes always refilling yet still so willing
For the humans now knowing of something thats always refilling
For word of the wizard has reached the castle
Scared by his power lets destroy this dazzle
For he will condemn us the king so sure of this
Well now I guess its time to catch us a fiery fish
The wizard sits and waits his demise
For he has seen this already no plan to devise
All he wanted was to live in peace
The pesents and knights offered to much gold now they will never cease
A wizard sits his head in a jar
The king pleased as he sits and drinks at his bar
The god of nature watched as his humble servant failed
His life gone to the unworthy that prevailed
His duty un fulfilled the time now has come
For Armageddon has come let the acid rain drops fall
For Armageddon has come let the asteroids fall
For Armageddon has come Let the flood raise drown them all
For nature has gotten the better of them
We need to take care of nature so we never to be condemned
Copyright ©
heartfilledblood
... [
2004-08-09 14:07:29]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Natures humble servant.
(User Rating: 1 )
by KynaIsisPoetess on
Monday, 9th August 2004 @ 02:49:54 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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| had a hard time with this one. the rhyme kinda took it out of focus and corrupted the story in the poem. |
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Re: Natures humble servant.
(User Rating: 1 )
by tlhInganHom on
Thursday, 12th August 2004 @ 01:00:49 AM AEST
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a Message)
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I agree; the rhyme makes it awkward.
Couple of suggestions:
1. Perhaps take the rhyme away completely?
2. Read it alowd, with some sort of rythem. While doing this, think of what words you could ad/delete to make the poem flow better.
Also, make sure that the story/message of the piece remains clear. Keep it in one person; first, second, or third (I, you, or he/she/it.)
I really like the story, though. It is a good & creative idea. :-) It would be a shame not to work on it; it could be something truely great!
Please don't be discouraged :-) You ought to see the crap some of my poems were until I edited the hell out of them.
Oh, and if you'd like any one-on-one help, feel free to e-mail/IM me. Ciao~ |
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