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Unchosen Death
Contributed by
Yumi_san
on
Saturday, 28th August 2004 @ 09:55:46 PM in AEST
Topic:
MiscPoems
|
There is a strange wind in the air that I feel....
Like a whisper,
telling me to kill...
Dreaming up a nightmare
that I feel is going to happen
to near to remember to care.
Looking back in fear today and the next,
wondering who I am going to turn in to death text.
Getting closer and closer to my victom,
My hair is rising on the back of my neck down to my shin.
Trying to forget to fear,
I only tend to concentrate,
to think of what seems clear.
One flick of my wrist,
the knife that mysteriously appeared,
Landed in to a mere child that never had a chance....
To shed a real tear...
Copyright ©
Yumi_san
... [
2004-08-28 21:55:46]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Unchosen Death
(User Rating: 1 )
by minouge on
Saturday, 28th August 2004 @ 10:15:02 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| this is real good...good write ;) |
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Re: Unchosen Death
(User Rating: 1 )
by Yumi_san on
Saturday, 28th August 2004 @ 10:18:26 PM AEST
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| oooooo thank you ^____^ i try...lol |
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Re: Unchosen Death
(User Rating: 1 )
by Bohemian_with_a_pen on
Sunday, 29th August 2004 @ 02:42:34 AM AEST
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| awesome, great write |
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Re: Unchosen Death
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Wednesday, 1st September 2004 @ 08:28:07 AM AEST
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Again, the rhyming scheme seems a little tenuous to me. 'to near to remember to care' is slightly ambiguous and although the concept of 'death text' is neat (I assume you mean an obituary), it is out of meter.
I'd write that part as;
"Looking back in fear today and on towards the next,
I wonder who I'm going to turn into that feared death text."
The concept is suitably dark ... a nightmare about homocide / killing babies ? Children? I'm not sure exactly what, but it certainly seems criminal.
Keep writing. |
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