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sick to my hearts content
Contributed by
Hannah_Heaven
on
Sunday, 5th September 2004 @ 02:15:34 PM in AEST
Topic:
EmotionalPoetry
|
try and close my eyes and i see you in my mind
and i wonder,why you had to leave it all behind
and i dont know whats real
i can barely feel
i cant see all the tears that have fallen
my feet wont move,i seem to be stalling
the most precious gift for holding love
is broken,and my soul has flown up above...
all these memories racing through my head
and i cant sleep remembering all the discusting things you've said
who are you to break this young girls heart
when all i was doing was acting my part
trying to disctroy my confidence and all i have known
im crying because i know we havent grown
apart or close,we've drifted
and my sagging heart hasnt lifted
you broke me in so many places
all these staring faces
the only thing i couldnt stand
was breaking my heart and taking it hand in hand
i wish with all whats left of me
that you would come back and see
that i loved you
my lil baby boo!
Copyright ©
Hannah_Heaven
... [
2004-09-05 14:15:34]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: sick to my hearts content
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Sunday, 5th September 2004 @ 03:33:09 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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I think the final rhyme spoiled this one for me. I mean, the insincerity of 'baby boo' sort of took away the intensity of most of your poem, which is for the most part, well-rhymed and consistent. I note you rhymed 'love' and 'above', too - I'd suggest not using that combination again. I never rhyme 'love' with anything, if I can help it, as it sounds contrite to me, after having read the amount of good and bad poems that I have.
You also change the metaphor of your heart, from a brittle 'breaking' texture, to something that 'sags' or hangs ('hasn't lifted'), which detracts from the flow of your rhyming. I was impressed with this line, however;
"i wish with all whats left of me
that you would come back and see
that I loved you"
I think you should just cut the last line, in my opinion - but that's up to you. Its your poem, after all.
Thanks for listening.
Keep writing. |
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Re: sick to my hearts content
(User Rating: 1 )
by Hannah_Heaven on
Monday, 6th September 2004 @ 10:48:05 AM AEST
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nest time dont bother commenting,coz all you did was slag me off,thanks for listening
you big mong! |
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Re: sick to my hearts content
(User Rating: 1 )
by europeanprincess on
Sunday, 21st May 2006 @ 12:27:32 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| this is a workin progress although i know what you are meaning. in most of your phrases i could not agree with you more. keep writing. |
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