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Effections
Contributed by
dreamscape85
on
Sunday, 12th September 2004 @ 02:19:58 PM in AEST
Topic:
LoveRemembered
|
My head pounds and rushes
My mind twists and turns
My heart bends and crushes
My body wishes and yearns
You will never know what you mean to me
Or maybe you already do
But I know I'll never get to hold you;
You'll never love me the way that I love you
I see you as a phantom
Across a deep blue sea
You turn around so far away
And reach out a hand to me
If only my dreams were realities
Then where would we now be
You would forget all who hold you
And you would love only me
But that will never happen
As much as I wish it would
As long as your heart beats for her
I must give you up for good
My eyes weep for the future
My throat closes in pain
My dreams are all but shattered
My life is broken again
Copyright ©
dreamscape85
... [
2004-09-12 14:19:58]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Effections
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Monday, 13th September 2004 @ 05:52:56 AM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
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I found the ending a bit off - saying your life is broken again, you didn't allude to it having been broken beforehand . . . and it seems as though you're forcing this to rhyme with 'pain'.
Apart from that, you wrote well, and I wish you luck in dealing with this unrequited affection. |
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