|
 Menu
|
|
|
|
|
Social
|
|
|
|
|
untitled
Contributed by
bebe20071
on
Tuesday, 21st September 2004 @ 07:20:26 PM in AEST
Topic:
EmotionalPoetry
|
I was leaved alone by you
You could have at least gave me a tissue
You said things that could never come to mind
And you put that person behind
You made people think it true or not
You dont care you wanted a story so hot
From all the people you chose me
Decided to play a very dirty trick on me
You asked me out
And you said I was really hot you could stop checking me out
After few you days you said goodbye
I couldnt think for a reason why
You laughed and called me fool
And you thought it was very cool
Thanks that all Ill say
I am not like other girls wholl make you pay
Ill walk away and try to forgot
and my lessen was learned and taught
Copyright ©
bebe20071
... [
2004-09-21 19:20:26]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
Advertisments:
|
|
|
|
|
|
Sorry, comments are no longer allowed for anonymous, please register for a free membership to access this feature and more
|
|
All comments are owned by the poster. Your Poetry
Dot Com is not responsible for the content of any
comment.
That said, if you find an offensive comment, please
contact via the FeedBack Form with details, including poem title
etc.
|
|
|
Re: untitled
(User Rating: 1 )
by norticus on
Tuesday, 21st September 2004 @ 08:24:27 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
There is something to be said for spelling and grammar. Beyond that, there isn't a whole lot of creativity, just an angry little rambling poem about your regret and anger. I think you could use some more heartbreak and a few more books. I give this a 2.2 on the Nortiscale.
norticus |
|
|
Re: untitled
(User Rating: 1 )
by Essentially9 on
Tuesday, 21st September 2004 @ 10:50:34 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
constructive criticism:check for grammar and spellings. your piece is choppy, the rhythym changes. you are so focused on rhymes that you force them to make your verses strange or just look childish. i can too be faulted for doing this. and your last stanza is skewed because its forget and not forgot so therefor your entire piece doesnt even keep up with rhymes which also lessens the greatness of this. of course i to, am faulted for everything i am telling you, its just constructive criticism so it doesnt bother me if you listen or not.
the emotional side of this was powerful however, and i liked that. keep up the good work. |
|
|
|
· 
Poetry
Site Help
Members
Areas
Reference
Search
Top
Others
