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Confusion
Contributed by
eternallyloved
on
Friday, 24th September 2004 @ 02:32:21 PM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
Confused and scattered,
I'm neither here nor there,
my mind wanders,
yet nothing i feel.
I hide myself from you,
protect myself,
not wanting to feel the pain again,
I've built a blockade.
Bricks and concrete,
Steel and bolts,
yet i lack the support needed,
I could soon tumble.
Its an image i portray,
a false security,
I do not need you, yet i may,
Please help me open up.
Tear these walls down,
wash the foundation away,
join me in this place,
Ill let u in if you try.
You seem so far,
so distant from here,
I open my mouth to call your name,
nothing but breath escapes.
I dont quite understand,
then again im not trying,
scattered and confused,
i'm neither there nor here.
Copyright ©
eternallyloved
... [
2004-09-24 14:32:21]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Confusion
(User Rating: 1 )
by pixie on
Friday, 24th September 2004 @ 02:38:17 PM AEST
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a very powerful and well expressed write,
pixie xx |
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Re: Confusion
(User Rating: 1 )
by a_bear on
Friday, 24th September 2004 @ 02:51:41 PM AEST
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| Afraid I have nothing constructive..it seems really exceptional as it is. I have this thing about lower case and upper case..but it was pounded in to me in school..LOL. When I see a lower case i when I'm expecting upper case...PANIC ATTACK!!!!! lol...I really thought it was wonderful.. building that blockade..all that mortar and steel, yet feeling you might topple..that was great! |
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Re: Confusion
(User Rating: 1 )
by Lee on
Friday, 24th September 2004 @ 03:08:33 PM AEST
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The Surreal eeL y'know Feel says:
"Walk-in silence
Don't turn away-in silence
Your confusion -my illusion
Worn like a mask
of self-hate
Confronts and then dies
Don't walk away"
-Ian Curtis, Joy Division, "Atmosphere":
"Substance"
Favorite line:
"I'm neither there nor here"
(double negative) awesome! jawesome!
Look out for the renegade shark blossom!
Well done!
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Re: Confusion
(User Rating: 1 )
by Essentially9 on
Friday, 24th September 2004 @ 08:56:31 PM AEST
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| this has no rhyme scheme even though you seem to have tried to infuse it in it seems like ::shrugs:: other than that, pretty good. has a nice story to it and everything. |
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Re: Confusion
(User Rating: 1 )
by Dawny on
Saturday, 25th September 2004 @ 05:32:55 AM AEST
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Hi Shayna
You use good imagery in this one, you can feel the confusion. It could flow a little better, but thats just my opinion. Its a good poem
Love Dawny xxx |
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Re: Confusion
(User Rating: 1 )
by Quilted_rag_doll on
Sunday, 10th October 2004 @ 02:52:40 PM AEST
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first off, you did good in keeping the forum of four lines. also, if you aren't goin
to rhyme thats fine, but if you do rhyme at all, then try to do it the whole poem
through. ya..it kinda complacates things, cuz sometimes its hard to find the
right rhyming word. lol...it can be bothersome. but i really like some of the
lines you have in here.
Bricks and concrete,
Steel and bolts,
yet i lack the support needed,
I could soon tumble.
that is my fave part. very strong writing there! good work!
¤~::.. a n d e ..::~¤ |
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