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Useless
Contributed by
Vicxy
on
Saturday, 2nd October 2004 @ 09:08:15 PM in AEST
Topic:
LostLove
|
He used to grab my hand
He used to hold me tight
Those feeligs that I felt still keep me up at night
He'd play with my hair
And he would smell me sweet
But all those haunting secrets fell beneath my feet
Then fell out of reach
We used to be in love
It was pure infatutation
We used to have it all
But love requires patience
We used to have a future
Id dreamnt of a ring
He said it was forever
Those rotten words still sting
I used to have a heart
He used to calm me down
Lent a forbidden shoulder when i could only frown
We used to have it all
Though margins we'd allow
We used to be in love but love is useless now
He used to want my body
He used to smile at me
I could gaze into his eyes
And oceans i would see
He used to make me happy
I used to make him scared
But for what the summer had in store
We were ill prepared
We used to mean the world to me
I used to amke him cry
He used to have my trust
But trust no words can buy
We used to have it all
And never question how
We used to be in love
But love is useless now
Copyright ©
Vicxy
... [
2004-10-02 21:08:15]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Useless
(User Rating: 1 )
by DragonLuvSong on
Saturday, 2nd October 2004 @ 09:20:41 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
| I really like the last stanza, I don't think you should touch that at all. I like the overall evolution of the piece, seems to get more intense as you go. in the first stanza I think you need to group the lines together, thinking about the flow of the ideas- because it feels a little random. you have 2 lines of things he used to do, something else, then another line in which he used to do something. I think the lines where he used to do something should be together. I see a lot of potential in this work, at least to make it the way I would write it, but we always like our own stuff better. I like the idea, and the things said, but I think that better organization can make it much better |
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Re: Useless
(User Rating: 1 )
by PinkYoshi on
Saturday, 2nd October 2004 @ 09:50:53 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
|
| Hey i liked ur poem a lot. It was sweet. that is how feel it made everthing i was thinking in my head come alive in ur peom so dont chage it. |
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Re: Useless
(User Rating: 1 )
by inoc on
Saturday, 2nd October 2004 @ 11:59:23 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
|
I thought this was a good write
and the title is fine
keep writing
cheers! |
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