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Wanting
Contributed by
AstraLee
on
Wednesday, 13th October 2004 @ 06:45:46 AM in AEST
Topic:
LovePoetry
|
I walked for miles and miles and still I came
To your door. I wanted you. Selfishly,
Foolishly, and constantly. Like a game
Always played, but never won, I got angry.
I came you that night because I saw
The stump of a candle in your window.
Desperate, I pounded on the locked door,
Half-scared you'd come out to me, saying "no."
As I waited patiently for nothing,
Your gaze still etched on my memory, just.
I stared at the doorbell, wanting to ring,
But scared that you would take my love as lust.
As I turned away from unwelcome thoughts,
The light escaped through fresh gaps in the door.
Copyright ©
AstraLee
... [
2004-10-13 06:45:46]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Wanting
(User Rating: 1 )
by EternitysLyre on
Wednesday, 13th October 2004 @ 07:06:17 AM AEST
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a Message)
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I have to assume you're unaware of the iambic pentameter of Shakespearean sonnets; you hold quite well against the 10 syllable trial, but the rhythm is forced and seems more crafted than natural word of mouth, as this form is praised most highly for. While imperfect, I suppose you painted a decent image in the highly constricting 14 lines of a sonnet (oh, do I HATE the shortness those rules impose), and that alone is quite a feat for most who possess the pen.
Intriguingly done--
Find me for more help on sonnets if you'd like
~The Palatine Poet |
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Re: Wanting
(User Rating: 1 )
by Kindredblood_dragon on
Wednesday, 13th October 2004 @ 07:39:40 AM AEST
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Well I couldnt make sense of the lastr comment, guess there is more to poetry than will ever know.
But my comments are only of what I see and feel, taken as they are from the heart.
I liked this poem, a mysterious write, of love enstranged or just love forbidden, the picture is vivid to me but then I can pick art out fo the air, and your words derived an awesome picture, for my mind to behold was a privilage. |
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Re: Wanting
(User Rating: 1 )
by Stitch on
Tuesday, 16th November 2004 @ 08:45:54 AM AEST
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Love the cliffhanger at the end. I always avoid repeating words, but other than that, I can't find a thing wrong with this. What a story you create for us.
Stitch |
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