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If Time Had Feet Instead of Wings
Contributed by
neveryours
on
Wednesday, 13th October 2004 @ 02:26:11 PM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
Oh joy, to lie with thee
Beneath the golden leaves
Of our season - to embrace
All that is, in this pristine moment
To lose myself in those
Reflective eyes, amber hued
And so full of the richness
That overflows from your soul
Fleeting moments turn to dust in my reach.
And I so want to rid myself of time
To wash the very essence of this
Weeping truth that keeps check
Of my desire, that chokes all hope
Until it is a wrinkled thing,
Sad and alone, while hours
Still, go by.
I, wishing so not to be lost,
To have that one chance again
To grasp, and this time would not
Let go - still murmur in quiet whispers,
(though whispers cant replace
this lost thing that was my only).
Copyright ©
neveryours
... [
2004-10-13 14:26:11]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: If Time Had Feet Instead of Wings
(User Rating: 1 )
by Essentially9 on
Wednesday, 13th October 2004 @ 04:30:42 PM AEST
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| excellent write. |
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Re: If Time Had Feet Instead of Wings
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Sunday, 17th October 2004 @ 05:40:24 PM AEST
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"To wash the very essence of this
Weeping truth that keeps check
Of my desire, that chokes all hope"
If time had feet instead of wings, it would still move. I get the impression that this poem desires eternity, the place without time or some such thing, from this memory of which you reach out from.
"Fleeting moments turn to dust in my reach."
I believe that portrays a memory in passing, but the first stanza isn't doesn't correlate too well with this line in the first.
"All that is, in this pristine moment"
Perhaps the second should read
"Moments dissolve/dissipate through/in my mnemonic grasp ..."
And the first should have 'that' instead of 'this'.
Or something. Its just a little hazy for me.
Apart from that line, the poem has strength of exposition at both the beginning and the end, which is both original and eye-catching.
Well done. |
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Re: If Time Had Feet Instead of Wings
(User Rating: 1 )
by ShadowDaughter on
Thursday, 28th October 2004 @ 04:15:15 PM AEST
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I hate playing the comment game, but I had to take a look at your poetry and, upon doing so, couldn't refrain from commenting.
So--
This was wonderful. I love that this has both style, eloquence, beauty . . . and emotion (so frequently it seems that one or the other need be chosen).
Am going to echo your comment on mine and say that this poem seems to need to take a stanza or so to reach full form. It's excellent from the second stanza on, but --though the scene-setting / prologue, whatever you want to call it, is necessary to some degree-- the first stanza seems to be just as beautiful as the others but a little lackluster, in contrast. It's great, don't get me wrong, but it loses a little impact in its wordiness. Just my opinion.
Overall all, though, fantastic job :).
--Nora |
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Re: If Time Had Feet Instead of Wings
(User Rating: 1 )
by n2dep2care on
Thursday, 25th November 2004 @ 08:17:54 AM AEST
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Loving this write very much! This stanza especially captured my heart. . .
“To lose myself in those
Reflective eyes, amber hued
And so full of the richness
That overflows from your soul”
absolutely lovely poem. Well done!
Laurie
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