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for this is the end
Contributed by
blackholesun
on
Sunday, 14th November 2004 @ 12:01:41 PM in AEST
Topic:
Lifepoems
|
so long of a tattered life i have spent in this self involved glory,
with each and every story,and every word i doth spill,
something shrieks inside my will,nothing can fill,
this void that i deal.
guarded by my soul,im spinning out of controll,
slashing what is left of this empty shell i cling,
wanting a warm moment to sing,yet i regret nothing.
killing time is over ,here i stand still gouging at my eyes,
laughing at my demise,heed these cries i spend,
for this is the end.
somewhere blue in the cold midnight of a soul in pain,
this depression happens again,
to tremble in my wake,for someone to forsake,noted a mistake in life,
screw them all grab the knife.
Copyright ©
blackholesun
... [
2004-11-14 12:01:41]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: for this is the end
(User Rating: 1 )
by pixie on
Sunday, 14th November 2004 @ 12:03:46 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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emotional and sad write,
takecare,
pixie xx |
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Re: for this is the end
(User Rating: 1 )
by Stoney1 on
Sunday, 14th November 2004 @ 12:22:50 PM AEST
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a Message)
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ok, the syntax is awkward and you should strive for more word economy.
Take the first sentence for instance:
so long of a tattered life i have spent in this self involved glory,
This could be pared to :
A tattered life in self involved glory
2nd line:
with each and every story,and every word i doth spill,
revised:
Each tale and every word I speak
3rd line:
something shrieks inside my will,nothing can fill, this void that i deal.
revised:
Shrieks inside a void I cannot fill
******************
Revised 1st stanza:
A tattered life in self-involved glory
Each tale and every word I speak
Shrieks inside a void I cannot fill
And a desperation I did not seek
Now do that with the rest of it and you may just have a poem.
Stoney
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