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Counted
Contributed by
socialburnin
on
Monday, 22nd November 2004 @ 06:47:57 PM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
Count the bullet holes
Count the hours at the pace we go
Open me up and put me on display
Take a free shot at my broken heart
Ten points if you make me bleed
Twenty if you make me scream
Pour fresh salt in new wounds
Make me cry as I come to
Aid me in a quest for self-destruction
Kiss me and end all bodily functions
I'm sorry if this is too violent
I just need you to remember it
What you did to me
To sum it up
Was open my mouth
And sew it shut
Dash my hopes and cross my dreams
Make me pay a price for love in pain
That which you are is more then I'm not
Copyright ©
socialburnin
... [
2004-11-22 18:47:57]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Counted
(User Rating: 1 )
by xXcrossedXx on
Sunday, 13th February 2005 @ 06:31:50 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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| These feelings don't seem foolish at all, I can see where you are coming from. I felt the same way and still do. This was an awesome write, great job. |
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Re: Counted
(User Rating: 1 )
by Essentially9 on
Saturday, 3rd June 2006 @ 10:11:34 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| excellent rhythm. i am impressed. excellent beginning. from the get-go im like "wow, bullet holes from what?". you had some cliches in this that didnt really add anything original to this at the end, so im thinking you can be a bit more creative with those. in some of your cliches you were creative, but that was the first stanza, the second stanza had a lot to be desired creatively. your ending line is amazing. your creative verse at the end made this poem better, instead of letting the poem linger off gradually. i think your second stanza needs some strengthening because the first one just overpowers it and makes it seem like you lost power throughout the poem. |
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